But right now I'm in a bit of a sour mood- although, it is opening my eyes to things I've been letting gather dust for quite a while now.
I've always felt awkward. More than awkward, really.
I've always felt below everyone else. Not worthy of being spoken to, or acknowledged.
Not "cool" enough.
Now I know deep down that I am a decent person.
I know, somewhere, that I'm attractive and I'm also a good person who's interesting, kind and funny.
But once I'm thrown into this sort of Hell called "school", my mouth immediately shuts tightly.
I somehow don't know how to speak to anyone.
I feel like everyone is judging me. And I can't say hi to others I don't know well, because they'll think I'm weird/annoying/desperate.
So I stay in my anxiety-filled comfort zone and stay quiet, not speaking to many people.
While I think this makes me appear less annoying, it actually makes me appear much more awkward and... Odd.
People without anxiety (or, shall I say, those who only experience the normal amounts of it) don't understand anxiety.
They take it personally, and probably think I don't want to speak to them.
Meanwhile, I do want to speak to many people- I just feel like I can't.
Like I'm stuck where I currently am; which, where I am resides people I talk to, but I don't hang out with.
They're all people I'd consider "friends", but more just people to talk to than anything.
Plus, it's so hard now in school to weasel into a friend group. Especially in a small school.
So I feel like I'm trapped in the position I am currently in.
I obsess over men I want partially because of my OCD, and partially because I don't hangout.
When you have no friends outside of your family that you spend time with or have an actual bond with, you start to rely on love-
Especially when your best friendship you ever had was with your one and only boyfriend...
However, considering the way I worry about crushes and how I let it ruin friendships, I'd be better off not dating at all right now.
It's safe to say that at this moment, I need to make good friends.
To do this, however, I need to do the following
1) Gain self confidence (AKA don't give a shit about consequences/what others think of me)
- To gain self confidence, I have to remind myself that I'm worth it.
- I'm not below any of these other people. I'm on equal ground with them.
- They don't think I'm below them either- I'm the only one thinking that way.
- If I talk to them, they'll probably like me. Refer to J.D. in chem.
- I need to weigh out my strengths and weaknesses.
- By doing that^, I need to focus on my strengths and become proud of them.
- I need to stop thinking about the consequences
- Do what I want, in reason.
- It's okay to mess up, stumble on my words, appear awkward... it happens.
- If people don't like me, they can get over it. It's not my problem, it's their's.
- Walk around knowing I'm a good person with good intentions, and that I'm not perfect.
2) Talk to more people
- I can do this before gaining self confidence, or while doing both.
- First, say hi to those I know slightly but want to get to know better.
- Say hi in the hallways here or there to these people.
- Make conversation with them when I can (or when it seems like a good time).
- Get to know these people more by talking to them more and saying hi, appearing more approachable.
- Be friendly to everyone- even if awkward, joke around.
- Things may get awkward- it's okay. At least I tried. Eventually it won't be awkward.
- Also, reach out to those I want to get closer to/I want to be friends with again (Like A.B.)
3) Become more approachable by doing so
- Self explanatory: by doing the above, I'll appear more outgoing and friendly.
- People will talk to me/come to me more.
4) Make friends in school
- Gradually become more friendly/friends with the people I say hi to.
- Be friends with "everyone"
- Hopefully find a group that I fit into and like
- Find excuses to be around them all the time (groups in school, lunch, classes, etc.)
- Bond over things.
5) Gather the balls to ask those friends to hang out
- Once close with these people, ask them to hang out.
- The worst that'll happen is them saying "no"
- If they get annoyed at me asking, who cares? Their loss.
- And then I'll know I shouldn't waste my time on them.
- Ask even if I'm afraid to.
- Make sure I know the person a decent bit, though.
- If this works and we hang, make sure to stay close with the person/people and hang out with them periodically.
6) Focus on the bonds of the friendships
- Let love come gradually- don't care about it
- Focus on friendships more than possible relationships
- Let the friendships bloom
