Someone

I always wanted to be
Someone else, something else.
Forever aiming for perfect,
I'd miss the shot and be devastated.

Nothing I did was good enough,
Compared to the rest of humanity.
Tired, I'd lay down and collapse,
Finally tiring my mind.

Then, something grew inside of me;
Branches upon branches,
Leaves upon leaves, somehow
Someone else, something else,
Just wouldn't ever be me.

Old Friends, Books and More!

Hey all! How have you guys been doing?

I'm actually doing quite well. I had my sixteenth birthday a bit ago (February), and got an acoustic guitar for it! I should be playing it more... But its honestly a really fun instrument to play. Interesting and relaxing!

I also need to get on track with writing more. I love doing it, but it stresses me out so much that I blow it off :/. But I gotta push through that!

Other interesting things... Hmm. Well I hung out with an old friend of mine that I haven't spoken to in a while, because I admitted I liked him 2 years back and I got really awkward haha.

He's honestly a really good guy, though. I have to remind myself not to like him too much again, because I don't wanna screw up the friendship again. Besides, he's only in it for the chase (loves getting the girl, then gets bored and pursues another).

I should probably contact him more, but I get too awkward. Gah!

Over all, though, I've spoken to a lot of different people recently- ones I don't speak to much. Some popular people, some nice unpopular people, a whole mix... And I'm proud of myself for not getting too awkward and carrying on a conversation! 😊

Schools almost at its end too... I'm out sometime in June. If any of you are in school, when do you get out?

Oh! One last thing! I just read a book called "Its Kind of a Funny Story" and you need to read it if you love books! Very interesting, and the humor was actually pretty good as well!

Have a good day guys!! 💜💜

Steps to gaining confidence

I always want a boyfriend because I've never really loved myself, so it fills the void.

That's what I think is the reason, anyhow.

So, basically, to change my ways of being boy-obsessed and self conscious is to... DING DING DING! Gain confidence!

What a shocker! But I've been way too lazy to do this important thing, so I may as well hop on it right now.

So here's what I need to do to become more confident (not all at once- do them gradually)

• Further my passions (guitar, singing, reading, writing, etc.)
• Look in the mirror and ignore my flaws- actually, see them as beautiful, since they make me unique and they make me, me. Tell myself I'm beautiful, inside and out. (Corny, but important)
• Jump out of my comfort zone! AKA, talk to those I get too nervous to talk to, ask others to hang out, etc. Do a little bit of something like that each day, and maybe my social anxiety will not be so bad!
• Ignore my anxious/negative thoughts- Worried about something? Change the topic. I can worry forever, but that won't change a thing- I need to make the change. Think something will end up not so good? Stay positive! Maybe it'll end up in my favor. If not, I'll work through it, just like I always do.
• Stop putting myself down- I do it a lot, subconsciously or not, joking or serious. From the simplest things to, "Oh yeah, I'm too lazy to do that," to "I can't talk to them, I'm beneath them and unworthy of speaking to them,". Regardless of the type of thought, if I'm putting myself down, I need to stop that thinking process right away (think of a train stopping suddenly) and redirect my thoughts to positive reinforcement. It can be things like, "I'm not too lazy, I just need to put in the effort," or "I'm the only one who sees myself as beneath everyone else. So why do I do this? Let me take a step back, understand why, and then laugh at it and tell myself I deserve the same treatment as everyone else."
• Talk to more people- And be very nice to them! Be very friendly and accepting, and try to make more friends. The more people like me, the more I'll feel more confident. And I'll be making some good friends, too! Additionally, I shouldn't feel anxious to ask them to hang out. If they get awkward, oh well, leave them be and move onto someone else more willing.
• Focus on friends rather than boys I like- Yeah, boys are cute; that's obvious. But at this age, they're more a handful than anything, and romantically, they never stick around long. I should focus on maintaining good friendships with people rather than zeroing in on something that won't last long and will most likely hurt me. An additional note; I should focus more on the friendships with the boys I like, since they may end up being a far better friend than a temporary boyfriend!
• Get in shape- Now, this step especially sucks, because it requires healthy eating; which I don't exactly love. But I'll most likely gain more confidence if I feel comfortable in my body. However, I should love my body regardless of the way it looks. 
• Fall in love with myself- Zero in on my positive aspects. What makes me a good, likable person? Why do others like me? Of course, this doesn't mean I should ignore things I should improve upon- however, I should not fret over them.
• Do good deeds- Another corny one. This can be as simple as complimenting someone, to doing community service. I love the natural high I get from doing good deeds!
• Treat myself well- Stressed out, or just want to do something fun? Take a warm bath and read a book. Listen to my favorite music, take a nap, dance, sing, eat good food (not in excess, of course). Whatever makes me happy, I should do!

Well, that's basically it. I need to follow the guidelines above that I just wrote. After I become more confident, I should then work on my weaknesses to better myself as a person. I also have to remind myself that this won't happen overnight.