Misread

So I hung out with this boy from work, and a girl from work as well.

I think I totally misread him as a person (J).

I thought J was needy and very negative, but I don't think so.

I think his anxiety just really stresses him out, but he seems to have a lot of fun out with me and was dying laughing a few times. So I don't think he's miserable at all.

I think he just felt he could talk to me.

He seems into me. Offered to pay for my food. Seems different alone than me than with me and the girl around.

I think I made too many vulgar jokes and talked about too many hot guys, but whatever.

I'll make it more obvious I'm into him i guess.

Numb

After reading books about friendship and seeing others be so close to others, romantic and numb, it makes me feel... Numb.

Well, not numb. More like sad. Envious. Incompetent.

I feel like I'll never have those relationships.

Because when I talk to others, I always fuck up and say the wrong things.

Because I never want friends, I always want relationships (unless thats my OCD speaking).

And maybe, mainly because I've never maintained, or had, a healthy friendship.

I feel too awkward asking others to hang out.

I asked two friends from work to go out on Halloween, but my anxiety is telling me they'll bag out.

That they don't wanna go.

Well, especially the boy. I mean, he seemed receptive to the idea, but he said he doesn't even hang out with others.

And the whole his-old-job-at-mcdonalds-was-racist-against-whites thing is kind of interesting. Bullshit? Maybe. But this line was most intriguing from him.

"I don't fight back."

Interesting. Perhaps he's a peace maker, like mom and my brother, or perhaps he just has low self esteem and can't stand up for himself?

He did say that he barely speaks at school, that he doesn't like speaking, that he's painfully shy...

Anyways, I'm going completely off topic.

I know this is like a "pity me" post. And I apologize for it.

However, its just how I feel sometimes...

I feel like I can't bond with others...

That I'm a loser who has no friends (the has no friends part is kind of true..)

I've been workin, I've been workin

So I've been working a lot recently, and I've been talking to this boy Joe that works there too.

He's really sweet and is pretty cute, although a bit skinny but hey, I'll take niceness over super sexy.

Anyhow, we joke around a lot. He seems very nice, and very friendly.

Well, today, I told him one girl that also works there is throwing a Halloween party, and that he should come.

He immediately said no- he doesn't like parties, and laughed a bit. I told him that it's not alcoholic, I'm not into that either and he was like ohh noo not that either, just parties in general.

Turns out, he has social anxiety. Like me, hw barely talks to anyone at school, is really shy, hates presenting, only has a few friends, doesn't hang out too often...

Sounds exactly like me.

The people at his school are apparently jerks, just like mine. He doesn't really like talking to people.

I said, oh, well you talk to me.

And he said yeah, he doesn't mind talking to pass the time.

I was like oh, ouch.

And he said he didn't mean it that way.

I also asked if I annoy him, and he said no no no! So I don't know.

Sounds like he's either antisocial or just really shy, but he's pretty talkative to me..

Unless I initiate most of the convo and I barely realize it.

Anyhow, I don't know. I just wanted to write about this

I like him, but my OCD is going a bit haywire over it... Like worrying if he's antisocial or doesn't want to talk to me or not.