Numb

After reading books about friendship and seeing others be so close to others, romantic and numb, it makes me feel... Numb.

Well, not numb. More like sad. Envious. Incompetent.

I feel like I'll never have those relationships.

Because when I talk to others, I always fuck up and say the wrong things.

Because I never want friends, I always want relationships (unless thats my OCD speaking).

And maybe, mainly because I've never maintained, or had, a healthy friendship.

I feel too awkward asking others to hang out.

I asked two friends from work to go out on Halloween, but my anxiety is telling me they'll bag out.

That they don't wanna go.

Well, especially the boy. I mean, he seemed receptive to the idea, but he said he doesn't even hang out with others.

And the whole his-old-job-at-mcdonalds-was-racist-against-whites thing is kind of interesting. Bullshit? Maybe. But this line was most intriguing from him.

"I don't fight back."

Interesting. Perhaps he's a peace maker, like mom and my brother, or perhaps he just has low self esteem and can't stand up for himself?

He did say that he barely speaks at school, that he doesn't like speaking, that he's painfully shy...

Anyways, I'm going completely off topic.

I know this is like a "pity me" post. And I apologize for it.

However, its just how I feel sometimes...

I feel like I can't bond with others...

That I'm a loser who has no friends (the has no friends part is kind of true..)