Misread

So I hung out with this boy from work, and a girl from work as well.

I think I totally misread him as a person (J).

I thought J was needy and very negative, but I don't think so.

I think his anxiety just really stresses him out, but he seems to have a lot of fun out with me and was dying laughing a few times. So I don't think he's miserable at all.

I think he just felt he could talk to me.

He seems into me. Offered to pay for my food. Seems different alone than me than with me and the girl around.

I think I made too many vulgar jokes and talked about too many hot guys, but whatever.

I'll make it more obvious I'm into him i guess.

Numb

After reading books about friendship and seeing others be so close to others, romantic and numb, it makes me feel... Numb.

Well, not numb. More like sad. Envious. Incompetent.

I feel like I'll never have those relationships.

Because when I talk to others, I always fuck up and say the wrong things.

Because I never want friends, I always want relationships (unless thats my OCD speaking).

And maybe, mainly because I've never maintained, or had, a healthy friendship.

I feel too awkward asking others to hang out.

I asked two friends from work to go out on Halloween, but my anxiety is telling me they'll bag out.

That they don't wanna go.

Well, especially the boy. I mean, he seemed receptive to the idea, but he said he doesn't even hang out with others.

And the whole his-old-job-at-mcdonalds-was-racist-against-whites thing is kind of interesting. Bullshit? Maybe. But this line was most intriguing from him.

"I don't fight back."

Interesting. Perhaps he's a peace maker, like mom and my brother, or perhaps he just has low self esteem and can't stand up for himself?

He did say that he barely speaks at school, that he doesn't like speaking, that he's painfully shy...

Anyways, I'm going completely off topic.

I know this is like a "pity me" post. And I apologize for it.

However, its just how I feel sometimes...

I feel like I can't bond with others...

That I'm a loser who has no friends (the has no friends part is kind of true..)

I've been workin, I've been workin

So I've been working a lot recently, and I've been talking to this boy Joe that works there too.

He's really sweet and is pretty cute, although a bit skinny but hey, I'll take niceness over super sexy.

Anyhow, we joke around a lot. He seems very nice, and very friendly.

Well, today, I told him one girl that also works there is throwing a Halloween party, and that he should come.

He immediately said no- he doesn't like parties, and laughed a bit. I told him that it's not alcoholic, I'm not into that either and he was like ohh noo not that either, just parties in general.

Turns out, he has social anxiety. Like me, hw barely talks to anyone at school, is really shy, hates presenting, only has a few friends, doesn't hang out too often...

Sounds exactly like me.

The people at his school are apparently jerks, just like mine. He doesn't really like talking to people.

I said, oh, well you talk to me.

And he said yeah, he doesn't mind talking to pass the time.

I was like oh, ouch.

And he said he didn't mean it that way.

I also asked if I annoy him, and he said no no no! So I don't know.

Sounds like he's either antisocial or just really shy, but he's pretty talkative to me..

Unless I initiate most of the convo and I barely realize it.

Anyhow, I don't know. I just wanted to write about this

I like him, but my OCD is going a bit haywire over it... Like worrying if he's antisocial or doesn't want to talk to me or not.

Friends, Work, and School-work

How are you all doing?

I just came back from hanging out with two of my friends from work!

It's nice to say that work has given me (more of) a social life, haha.

But seriously, though. The people where I work are great. I love them all!

The only thing I really dislike about my job is balancing schoolwork and work.

There's not enough time in one day to work 3 hours and 45 minutes, eat, take a shower, and finish homework by 10:30 P.M.

Add transportation to that list and it makes things even more complicated.

But I'm not going to complain. I think work is a really healthy and positive thing for me :).

So I've come up with a good idea of what I'm going to do later in life...

I'm thinking of teaching English/Literature!

I've always had a passion for words, books, interpreting/analyzing books and texts...

And I'd love to make an impact on (some) children!

So I think it'd be a great job to have. Not to mention, the salary isn't too bad either!

I'd write more, but I'm pretty exhausted!

Good night guys!

So I'm off work for two days in a row and, I gotta say, it feels glorious.

Especially because I have the next day off from school, so I don't have to balance homework and wor that day :)!

However, that means no break the rest of the week.

But I like most of the people where I work, so I don't mind too much. (well, except for this stalker kid who I thought was half-normal but is now obsessed with me)

I've been pretty happy today. I go through my swings of happy days, anxious days, depressed-over-nothing days, etc.

It's honestly pretty peculiar. I'm hoping it's a hormone issue, although that should be correcting itself now..

I think it could just be me letting my OCD get the best of me. And some days I'm not strong enough to just shake it off (no T-Swift pun intended).

Additionally, I've resigned to the idea that guys really aren't all that. They shouldn't be what makes me happy.

Now, this is easier said than done, of course. But I'm only just starting this thinking process, so practice makes perfect!

I just have to remove myself from the situation. If I like a boy, keep busy. Think of other things. Don't take our interactions so serious.

It's just, in the end, something that makes me feel good (no, not talking about that- get your mind outta the gutter!)

I'm also on the hunt to make some new friends from work and, gasp, hang out with them!

I still feel awkward at school. Like I'm out of place. But I've gotten a little better talking to people there, so, hey.

Another thing I'm working is my low self esteem. I've been spending more time getting pretty in the morning, because I find that helps me, as silly as it sounds.

I need to stick to that idea more. I've been slacking on it. Like always, I attack myself whenever I feel I've done something wrong, or may appear stupid.

I need to get over that shit. Like really.

Well, sorry for the rambling. I just felt like I should post more, and I'm gonna start with this entry!

How are all of you?

Did school start for you guys?

:)

Secure

Have you ever felt insecure in yourself, or thought negative of yourself?

Actually, never mind. That's probably a stupid question... All of us have been insecure at one point, considering that we are/have been teenagers.

Getting to the point, though, I'm quite the insecure teen. And I want to come up with some ways to change that.

1. Keep a positive outset. Don't tell yourself that you look horrible, because chances are, you're seeing yourself much more harshly than others are.

2. Despite what you're silly mind is telling you, remind yourself that you are/look beautiful.

3. If someone makes you feel stupid, keep in mind that they most likely are trying to bring you down because they feel bad about themselves. Basically, its a reflection of their poor personality.

4. Say what you want- this is so important to me, and many. We often worry too much when it comes to saying hi to a new face, displaying an opinion, etc. Say how you feel, say what you want. In the end, if someone doesn't like what you say, its no biggie. Eventually, they'd have to see that side of your personality even if you didn't say how you felt. As for saying hi to new people, if they snub you, who cares? You're the better person for trying. And hey, you may make some new friends by being so friendly!

5. Don't spend so much time trying to look perfect. If your hairs frizzy, don't try to straighten it perfectly for an hour. If someone can't stand that you don't look as perfect as a Victoria's Secret model, they deserve to be out of your life.

6. Stop being so modest. I'm not saying to be conceited. If someone compliments you, don't say "Oh, I'm not!" That makes you seem as if you have no confidence. Instead, say something like, "Aww, thank you!" Or "You are too!!". This shows you are secure in yourself, enough to the point where you accept that you are what they told you, and you don't need to flaunt it.

7. Fake it til you make it! Even if you look in the mirror and you still think you look terrible, or you dislike the one side to you, tell yourself that you love it. Walk around knowing that you're an awesome person, who is beautiful inside and out. Push away the demons in your head, and remind yourself of your amazing qualities.

I hope this post helps you guys! If you have any other ideas or techniques, post them below! Have a beautiful day 😊

Summertime!!!

Hellooo!

How are all of you?

I'm on summer vacation, have been for a little bit, and it's been pretty fun!

I've gone to the local mall quite a bit, went walking, to the gym...

Overall, it's been great so far.

My goals for this summer are as listed:

• Make new friends
• (Does anyone know any websites to meet people on? I'm 16, so things like meetup are technically illegal)
• I was thinking maybe Tumblr, but I want to meet people in the flesh.
• I was also considering volunteering, or joining a book club.
• Work out and get more fit
• Look sexy in that bikini!!
• Play guitar some more and master basic chords
• Sing some more, cover a few songs
• Eat more healthy
• Read some more books
• Write more (poetry or novels, character development)
• Work on makeup when I'm bored?
• Buy a romper!
• Sport some cute clothes!
• Take pictures with my camera
• Get a bit of a tan!
• Find more music to get into
• Learn how to saute
• Go bike riding with someone (my brother or mom?)
• Buy a pair of vans/converse
• Hopefully go to Rhode Island!
• Try new hairstyles
• Get a job! (I've applied, now I just gotta wait..)
• Write a book review

Any other ideas you guys have?

And what are your plans for this summer? (If it's summer where you are!)

Have an awesome day guys, and tell me how you've all been doing!