Knowing what he doesn't

Isn't it so weird to know something so well, that your father is absolutely oblivious to?

Like, for example, the fact that she wants and is eventually planning a divorce. Going to get a job to save money for it. Thinking about apartments.

It makes me feel miles away from him. Like I'm acting. Like I don't wanna talk to him, believe he's okay. Its sad. I listen to what he says, but not wholeheartedly.

Maybe she has poisoned me from him? I mean, he is far from a good father, but I can't get close to him. I feel like it wouldn't be... Right. Knowing the things I know. How he treated mom. What mom is going to do now or in three years. Most of all, knowing he is a selfish father.

And knowing if it comes down to it, I'm going with mom.

I'm feeling so confused right now..

-Bean

Giving up

I'm so, so beyond tired of the area I live in. Everyone is a joke. It's so frustrating. There's no such thing as a "real friend" in this town. Almost everyone is stuck up, popular and degrading, and if they aren't they're usually bat shit insane. It's extremely tiring, searching for a good friend in this area...

Every time I've made a good friend, they always hurt me. Always screw me over, dump me and move onto the next. It's made me not wanna get close to others again, but in the same breath, I'm so lonely that I am always craving a good friendship. To have someone recognize my existence and, holy crap, care about me.

I mean, I have a great family. They all care about me. But in school, I'm looked at as "weird". As an "outsider". And considering being tight with a girl here is basically suicide. Almost all of them back stab you, when you don't even expect it. Like that boy and you tell her? Bang! She goes after him, of all boys.

I guess I'm just, I don't know... Upset, and tired of all this?? I'm really, really tired of others acting like they don't see me. I'm not horrible looking, nor am I creepy- I just don't talk too much! Is that really that scary? Or is it just because I'm not rich, or try hard, or I just don't like all the things you do?

I feel like I'll never fit in. That they all will think I'm too strange. But my mom said, you have two ways of reacting to this- you get angry at them, or down on yourself. And she said I should rather be angry at them, and realize that I am a good person and worthy of a human being's respect and attention... And to just think that they're the weird ones.

Just another story

I ache and I claw the air for you,
Nails out, scratching my blotchy skin,
Hoping each mark counts the days until
You'll come back.

The soda tastes sweet, yet its artificial,
And it fizzes, although it went flat long ago
The taste once vibrant, dies on my tongue.
Just another story to tell.

Idiocy

He walks like he's beautiful,
But his face reckons the opposite.
His voice booms through the hallways,
But its all slurred, pointless to listen to

Brags about himself like he's the best,
But works like he's the worst,
Loves his parents like they are angels,
Yet them and their offspring are devils.

Treating me like I'm transparent,
Yet I exist, and I bask in the light.
Get in a fight, buy me a soda, but
It never fixed anything, did it?

Walking on Eggshells

My mother and father don't get along well. He's always so negative, and judgmental towards everyone, especially towards my mother. They're not in love anymore. I've accepted that, but staying in the house for too long drives us all crazy.

Some days he barely even speaks. Whether it's his job, pain, the house not being spotless, my mother, he won't say. But almost every day does he have a stick stuck up there. And it's so uncomfortable. It's gotten to the point where we feel so awkward, my mother and I just leave the house for the whole night. He gets pissed about that.

I don't know, it's just... When we're around him, it's like walking on eggshells. Can't be who we are, say what we want, and we have to listen to his constant negativity. Absolutely annoying. If I were over 18, I'd be gung-ho for the idea of them divorcing. New town, new house, new start. And my mother's sanity would be far better.

However, I'd have to spend weekends with him most likely. Not only am I awkward around him, but he doesn't know how to handle my OCD. And, not to mention, he's the type that will put me in the middle..

Ugh. Tired of this. Time to go out.

-Bean

TMI Award!

So, my friend The Starry Eyed Dreamer nominated me (thank you :D!!) for this little award called, the "TMI Award". Basically, you gotta answer a whole bunch of questions that are a bit... personal. Which I guess I don't mind completely haha! However, I will still do this. I will nominate five other people to answer these questions below :).

Enjoy!


Q1) What are you wearing?

I am wearing an orange tie-dye t-shirt and Hello Kitty pajama bottoms, which are super comfy, might I add. No shoes or socks, because I hate wearing them! 
  
Q2) Ever been in love?

Err... Honestly, not really sure. I had a relationship of six months, which I guess is a long time. But I don't know if I was in love.I had a major crush on the kid, but there were a lot of problems between our families, and we just didn't mesh completely well. I think I loved him, but wasn't in love, if that makes sense at all.
  
Q3) Ever had a terrible breakup?

Yep. Only one, thank God, and I've only ever dated once. I almost feel like it's not worth it at this age. It'll teach you a lesson, which is a good thing, but it'll never last. Anyway, that breakup kind of ruined me a bit. He was basically my only true friend, and once again, the friendship had to go and dissipate. Took me a while, but I'm mainly over him now.
  
Q4) How tall are you?

I think I just reached 5'3! :) 
 
Q5) How much do you weigh?

Shhh, it's a secret. Just kidding. I'm around 120 pounds or so, maybe a bit more, maybe less. It's all up to your imagination!
  
Q6) Any tattoos?

Nah!

Q7) Any earrings?

Yep. Just one on each ear, that's it. Nothing crazy.

Q8) OTP?

I don't do that anymore. Miss it, but it's for the best.
 
Q9) Favorite shows?

None, really. Don't watch much TV. I used to heavily be into Smosh. Don't know why I mentioned that, but yeah. And Anthony from Smosh is pretty hawt.
 
Q10) Favorite bands?

As of now, just the Arctic Monkeys. Gosh do I love them. 
 
Q11) Something you miss?

I miss a lot of things. Occasionally, my ex. Anime here and there, of course. I miss having a good friendship lol. And I miss school a bit, even though I dread going back, too.
 
Q12) Favorite song?

I have a lot, not just one. Too many to mention. 

Q13) When is your birthday?

25th of February.
 
Q14)Zodiac sign?

Pisces! I'm a fishy :).

Q15) Quality you look for in a partner? 

Intelligent, caring, kind-hearted, good sense of humor (dry humor kills me), maybe even a love of video games, I dunno. And, weirdly enough, I love a guy that smells good and dresses nice. Not posh or dressed to the nines, but casual yet not slobby. Plaid shirts will make you my bae. Even though I hate using the word "bae".

Q16) Favorite quote?

I have many. 

"Life is like riding a bicycle; to keep your balance, you must keep moving," My bro Einstein.

"Life is a circle, you're only halfway through."

"Everyday is a good day to live, whether the sun is shining or not." Marty Robbins. 
 
Q17) Favorite actor?

That guy from Divergent, since he's good looking. I also love Tom Hanks, don't know why. 

Q18) Favorite color?

A deep red or deep purple. 

Q19) Loud musics or soft?

Loud when I'm working out. Soft when I'm tired, upset or yeah, just sleepy.

Q20) Where do you go when you're sad?

Out with my mom, usually to the mall or something.

Q21) How long does it take you to shower?

Around 25-35 minutes. I take a long time.

Q22) How long does is take you to get ready in the morning?

Around 20 minutes, 30 or 40 if I actually put effort in.
 
Q23) Ever been in a physical fight?

With my sibling, yeah. With anyone else, nope.
 
Q24) Turn on?

Warm, beautiful eyes. Nice, big smile that spreads all over the face, shows in his eyes, etc. Soft/wavy-ish hair. A really good sense of humor and confidence. A guy that can sing or write, or loves video games. Dresses nice, smells good, acknowledges my existence.

25) Turn off?

A guy who's sexist, racist, or prejudice. Judging, dresses like a slob, is rude to everyone. Wants you just for sex (thankfully I haven't experienced that yet).
 
Q26) The reason you joined Blogger?

I wanted to make some friends and get some advice, meanwhile post some reviews and stuff. Wanted an online blog/diary basically :).

Q27) Fears?

Minus my silly OCD, I'm scared of heights, talking to people I don't know well, rejection, being made fun of, being judged, etc. 

Q28) The last thing that made you cry?

Umm, my mom showed me some horrible story about a couple murdered in 2007 and saw the father of the daughter talking about it. Yeah, sucks.

Q29) Last time you said you loved someone?

Probably last night to my mom :).

Q30) Meaning behind your Blogger name?

I'm just talking about what's inside me, showing it to everyone. I don't mean my intestines by the way, talking about my thoughts. So, I'm Reflecting my Internal self. Nifty, huh? I'm corny.

Q31) Last book you read? 

Delirium by whomever. It's my school book, and it's actually pretty good!
 
Q32) The book you're currently reading?

^^

Q33) The last show you watched?

Don't remember.
 
Q34) The person you talked to?

My brother. 
 
Q35) The relationship between you and the last person you texted?

My mother.
 
Q36) Favorite food?

Oh my god, too many. Vegetable lasagna, chocolate, pizza, Jesus I love food.
 
Q37) Place you want to visit?

Germany, perhaps? Definitely Hawaii. And Maine.

Q38) Last place you were?

In bed.
 
Q39) Do you have a crush?

I have a crush on everyone, dude. Well, I mean every cute boy that walks my way. But, mainly the guy I just posted about.

Q40) Last time you kissed someone?

My mom last night.
 
Q41) Last time you were insulted?

Umm.. Don't remember.

Q42) Favorite flavor of sweet?

WHY DO I FIND THIS SO HARD TO ANSWER.
 
 Q43) What instruments do you play?

...None :(.
 
Q44) Favorite piece of jewelry?

Bracelet.
 
Q45) Last sport you played?

Volleyball. 

Q46) Last song you sang?

Royals maybe?
 
Q47) Favorite chat up?

Talking about school. It's all I talk about lol.

Q48) Have you ever used it?

Yesh,
  
Q49) Last time you hung out with anyone?

Last night, I guess.
 
Q50) Who should answer these questions next?

Hmm... Let me pick some people!

I don't know who to pick, actually. If you wanna do it, go ahead!!!

Thanks Mom

So, my brother has been friends for a long, long time with this absolutely adorable and, dare I say, hot boy. Like, he is so sweet and really good looking. He's just... mmf.

My mom full well knows of my crush on this boy. Well, here's the catch; we both sing. Of course, like the little hottie he is, he also plays guitar. Just another reason for him to steal and claim my heart, huh?

Well, my mother asked him if we could do a duet someday, saying it'd make her day. Being the easy-going boy he is, he said yes. And now I'm like, "what am I gonna say to him???". I mean, I have anxiety just talking to people, but to the kid I've had a crush on for months that I'll probably never score? Errr, yeah. I better not screw up and make things awkward!

Only thing is this- we'll probably never, ever have a chance of being romantic until we're both out of school. Why? This is because I'm probably more like a little sister than him to anything. I'm his friend's little sister, so he probably feels protective of me. And damn, now I'm kind of wishing my brother and him weren't so close.

I guess I'm glad my mom asked him for us to do a duet. But in the same breath, I'm kind of cursing her out because I have noooo idea how I'm going to even talk to this kid. I mean, I ask him how he's doing and I say hi to him in the hallways, but my God.

He's one of those where it's hard to talk to him because he's so freaking good looking!

Anyway, let me finish my mini panic attack by asking how you guys are. Whats up? :)

-Bean

List for tomorrow

-Feed and bathe tortoise
-Litterbox lol
-School book
-Clean up a bit
-Voice lesson rehearsing

Farewell, Summer!

Summer's approaching it's end.. I've got around two weeks before school starts. This year I'm going to be a Sophomore... yay :)! My schedule seems pretty good. I've got some good teachers. Math and science is going to be easier this year, and I've taken classes such as creative writing, acting, etc. Even one that involves video game development, which I took before and actually found kind of fun (more boring than I expected, though).

OMG, duckyyy!

I recently got a camera and took some really good pictures. It was only around $230 and has fantastic clarity and zoom! I'm kind of in love. If you're curious, the model is Nikon Coolpix L830. I'll post some of my pictures taken with it on the side.

Random half naked teen boys braving the murky waters.

The night before the super moon.

Although I haven't hung out with people too much this summer, it's been pretty fun. Mainly consisting of going to the mall or walking around places with my mom. I hope we go to the beach again, since I didn't really go in the water last time. The waves were kind of crazy and I've gained a new respect for the ocean.

As for school... I'm actually kind of excited. I mean, I usually do get excited, but this year the dread isn't outweighing it too much. I can't wait to wear cute clothes, maybe even some makeup, and most of all talk to others I haven't before. I'm pumped to become more social/outgoing and not care what others think, maybe even make new friends, too!

According to the palm reading (which was surprisingly accurate) I got at the beach, I'll find out my two true friends in December. Which is kind of awesome, since December isn't that far away.

Over all, this summer has been far better than last year's. I mean, yeah, there has been some crappy moments, but the good has outweighed the bad. I quit volleyball, mainly because of the drama that comes with it, and I'm honestly very glad I did so. I've had much more time to be lazy this summer, and do the things I want to do.

I also just got my first two voice lessons ever, and holy crap, is it complex. I always thought singing was simple... There's so much I need to work on and remember. I'm already sounding even better, but yeah, lots I gotta change. The lady I went to was very nice. My mother won two free voice lessons at a dinner thingy, buying raffle tickets and the such. She was a bit far away, but really cool and great at explaining things to me.

I'm also a bit of a geek because I can't wait to get supplies for school and pack up my new Jansport backpack! I've never had a Jansport before, and they're actually really good for organization. God knows I need that, since I'm extremely disorganized... Haha.

Two weeks left... Better make them count!

How is your summer going?

-Bean

I don't care (song)

There once was a time I included you in everything,
And your parents sure said they didn't do the same for me,
But even when it was over I still thought of you day by day,
Hoping you'd come back to me.

Soon I realized the bitter truth: you never would.
You were the one who severed our connection so coldly,
No empathy, not even one look passing by.
But this set me free, it set me free from you
From all the lies

You taught me so many lessons, to not rush into love,
What not to look for in men, so much more
And maybe those chains of yours still choke me a bit, but
I mainly don't care about you, after how you treated me

(Rap)Yeah, its a new me, one who doesn't allow herself
To get stepped upon. One who shows her bravery
In the eyes of many lions. And you may flaunt your
Other woman, but she's a downgrade, which is
Perfect for you. Ha! Yeah obviously I still hold
Some resentment towards you, but its np shocker
After what happened. Might have been almost two years
Ago, but you made me fall. Now watch as I stand
Taller than ever in front of you, and watch me flourish
In so many other ways. (Rap)

There once was a time I included you in everything,
And your parents sure said they didn't do the same for me,
But even when it was over I still thought of you day by day,
Hoping you'd come back to me.

Soon I realized the bitter truth: you never would.
You were the one who severed our connection so coldly,
No empathy, not even one look passing by.
But this set me free, it set me free from you
From all the lies

You showed me so many things, but those things
Are merely in the past. And I'm over it.
I'm moving on, embracing myself more than ever,
Will you accept the new me? Well, rightly, I don't care.

Stuff I need to remember

-Buy a hat
-Buy a backpack (Jansport)
-Maxi dress
-Good Vibes T-shirt
-Organized for school
-Make singing videos
-Writing

Material

I feel like I've been really materialistic lately. Like its the only thing that males me happy. That or the computer. Maybe I'm just being dramatic but I don't know

Hollister Clearance!

So I guess sometimes my OCD does work in my favor, because I have a clothes fetish, but I (or my mother) NEVER pay full price.

Buuuuttt... Hollister is having a big clearance, and online, there's also a 25 % discount code too! So here's some of the clothes I want to buy. Hopefully the clearance is in store too.

Bay Street Dress Perfect for the beach or just for hangin with friends
Girls Old Town Dress It's really cute in white, but even better in color! Of course, I want the coral, but I have so much coral it's ridiculous.
Girls Crescent Bay Dress I'm a big fan of the blue on this dress, and it's really elegant yet simple. Might not fit my figure good, but I might just buy it anyway.
Girls La Mesa Dress Absolutely perfect as a cover up. Really cute and covers the shoulders.
Girls Trestles Beach Maxi I love maxi dresses and I don't have one. However, many are open back. This isn't really, so yeah, score!
Girls Woodson Mountain Dress Another cute maxi dress.
Girls Boneyard Beach Cami So I'm not really big on crop tops, and I don't own one, because I just don't like showing that much of my skin. However, this would be soooo cute covering up a bikini top! And maybe I could buy a white cami to put on underneath... Hmmm
Girls Brooks Beach Cami It's see through, so that's a bit of a no-no, but for the beach? Totally!
Girls Summerland Cami This is just.. Ugh, so freakin' cute.
Girls Marina Park Kimono I love the "Kimono" style now, and I've been dying to own one!
Girls Hollister Shorts Not too short, yet not too long. Perfect
Girls Royal Palms Beach Cardigan This cardigan is absolutely adorable.
Another Cute Cardigan Adorbsss (lol)
Girls El Pescador Babydoll Top Okay, this shirt is one of my favorites. It's drapey at the end, so it hides the stomach, yet enhances the bust. Also, it's just really, really adorable.
Girls Boomer Beach Drapey Perfect as a cover up.
Girls San Pedro Bay Drapey Hoodie Simple yet sweet and cute. I need this
Girls La Jolla Shores Dress This is also really simple yet super cute, although a bit baggy.
Really Cute Maxi So so so cute
A bit preppy Yet casual and adorable.
May show my belly But if it doesn't, this would be so cute.
Low Rise Shorts Love the design on the bottom.

It's 2:00 A.M. In the Morning

It's 2:00 A.M. in the morning, and I always feel most.. I don't know, enthusiastic about writing, whether creative or not. And I always get the urge to do more with my life. So even though I should well be in bed, here's what I'm going to write. Sorry if it's a bit disorganized.

I'm sure I'm going to do something in writing when I'm older... But I never actually write a lot, because I hate when it comes out bad. It's like I almost dread it. I really need to change this, because even if I do write bad, I can check it later and make it better; even though I hate doing that, too. I'm gifted in writing (not to sound stuck-up), it's just a talent of mine. And I need to work on it, improve upon that craft. Even if I am lazy or unwilling. It's a waste of a talent basically.

Secondly, I just got my first voice lesson ever. So I need to practice those exercises, look them up on youtube, and keep at it, even if I'm lazy/busy. At least do half of them!!

Also, I want to get a part time job where my brother works. I'll work as a cashier. I'll have to get working papers, which may be a pain, but over all, it'll be great. I'll meet people outside of this (*cough* crappy) town, make more friends, and yeah. Be happier, basically. However, there is some drama revolving around my brother in that store. Keep away with it and be neutral. Maybe use the money I make on clothing/stuff I want, and save some of it for college?

And, of course, hang out with people more, even if they're not worthy of being a best friend. It's all about ME having fun, regardless of whether that person should have me as a friend or not.

I guess, I just don't know what I'm gonna do in my life. I'm assuming writing, but really, I don't know. I just don't wanna mess up when I'm older. Ideally, I'll live in an apartment with my mom (hopefully our cat too, lol), it's hard to explain why, but I'm hoping that this will happen. Put effort, a lot of it, into college. Meet the right guy who treats me well, marry him, have a child or two.

I want to be succesful. But yet my anxiety gets in the way- I'm always second guessing what I can do, and assume that my OCD will get in the way of it. I need to change that way of thinking. I gotta get a grip on this OCD, once again find my balls (well, figuratively), and tell it to basically "f off,". Also, I have to stop making relationships so important, maybe not even consider having one. And of course, help my momma clean the house.

There's a lot I'm gonna have to do this summer. My main priority, though, is have fun and strengthen my skills.

-Bean

For today-

Upload singing video
Record for gaming video
Play Heroes and Generals
Play Sims 3
Tumblr

Showing my face

So I've been battling something, related to my gaming channel... I want to show my face eventually, not because I'm a girl gamer but just so people know the voice behind the face. However, I'm a young teenager (not too young, but you know, jailbait) and a GIRL. And I've seen the comments on some videos of female gamers, and they are disgusting.

The whole point of my channel is not to focus on my sex. That's what it's revolved around- just enjoying my content, not the fact that I'm a female. However, it seems like it's hard to find people who'll enjoy your videos for them being entertaining, not for that you're a girl gamer. I don't want to be labeled as another "girl gaming channel"- I just want to be a gaming channel.

(Click on it to read it better. This poor girl shows a bit of
Cleavage and everyone goes crazy over it, excusing her of
Doing it for money, attention, etc. Even if she is, it's no excuse
To treat her like a pig!)

I could deal with rude comments, like, "ur ugly", or "lel ur a girl get a life girls dont play games u just want money". I mean, they'll hurt me and piss me off, but I can deal with them. But basically, I just don't want people saying, "LOL BOOBS" (even though I will not show them), or "came because she's hot, didn't watch gameplay".

Like, come on! I just want to show my face and have people be like, oh, that's the face behind that voice! And it's fine if you find me attractive or unattractive, but I just don't want the slew of gross comments some/a lot of girls get!! Is it that hard to ask? :/

And also, I don't want to get a weird stalker or something, or someone to find my channel. I'm not saying I'm worth stalking, but I'm a young girl, so some guys may be into that... Creepy as hell, but hey, there's people like that everywhere.

And if people, especially the girls, from town find this channel... My God, it'll be scary. Maybe I just shouldn't show my face...

What do you guys think?

-Bean

Getting on Track- What to Do

I wrote up a whole list of what I want and need to improve upon and do the rest of this summer, and... it's gone. But is still somehow on my phone as a draft. So, I might as well just rewrite it, right?

(I, like, really really really really love this quote. It's
Inspired me a whole lot to not care what others think.)

Okay, first off, I need to gain confidence, learn to manage my anxiety and not take things like friendships and crushes too serious. Secondly, when school starts, don't care what others think. Be nice of course, but don't hide. I can wear what I want (in reason, of course) even if I think it may be flashy or too bright. Say hi to everyone and not care if they think I'm overly friendly. I'll add a quote on the side that I've really taken to... Yeah, so basically chill out and don't care about what people think (don't try to get a bad reputation though, of course). Also, hang out much much more!!!

Now, onto the second part. Actually start writing more. It can be songs, stories, whatever. Also sing more and start my singing channel. And even more, work on my gaming channel. Get voice lessons for singing, maybe get better equipment for recording (a better mic or capture card for xbox). Also, sign up for community services and definitely join that cat adoption thing!

And for school next year... Join the book club, writing club, working with disabled people club, etc. Dress however I want, as long as it's not slutty or horribly matched lmao.

So yeah, this is all really random but they are things I need to work on.. I need to get somewhere. I can't hide forever.

And sorry for my last post being really depressing. Sometimes anxiety gets a really good hold on me and gets me really upset. Anyhow, how are you guys doing? Is there anything you want to improve upon?

Much love,

-Bean