Someone

I always wanted to be
Someone else, something else.
Forever aiming for perfect,
I'd miss the shot and be devastated.

Nothing I did was good enough,
Compared to the rest of humanity.
Tired, I'd lay down and collapse,
Finally tiring my mind.

Then, something grew inside of me;
Branches upon branches,
Leaves upon leaves, somehow
Someone else, something else,
Just wouldn't ever be me.

Old Friends, Books and More!

Hey all! How have you guys been doing?

I'm actually doing quite well. I had my sixteenth birthday a bit ago (February), and got an acoustic guitar for it! I should be playing it more... But its honestly a really fun instrument to play. Interesting and relaxing!

I also need to get on track with writing more. I love doing it, but it stresses me out so much that I blow it off :/. But I gotta push through that!

Other interesting things... Hmm. Well I hung out with an old friend of mine that I haven't spoken to in a while, because I admitted I liked him 2 years back and I got really awkward haha.

He's honestly a really good guy, though. I have to remind myself not to like him too much again, because I don't wanna screw up the friendship again. Besides, he's only in it for the chase (loves getting the girl, then gets bored and pursues another).

I should probably contact him more, but I get too awkward. Gah!

Over all, though, I've spoken to a lot of different people recently- ones I don't speak to much. Some popular people, some nice unpopular people, a whole mix... And I'm proud of myself for not getting too awkward and carrying on a conversation! 😊

Schools almost at its end too... I'm out sometime in June. If any of you are in school, when do you get out?

Oh! One last thing! I just read a book called "Its Kind of a Funny Story" and you need to read it if you love books! Very interesting, and the humor was actually pretty good as well!

Have a good day guys!! 💜💜

Steps to gaining confidence

I always want a boyfriend because I've never really loved myself, so it fills the void.

That's what I think is the reason, anyhow.

So, basically, to change my ways of being boy-obsessed and self conscious is to... DING DING DING! Gain confidence!

What a shocker! But I've been way too lazy to do this important thing, so I may as well hop on it right now.

So here's what I need to do to become more confident (not all at once- do them gradually)

• Further my passions (guitar, singing, reading, writing, etc.)
• Look in the mirror and ignore my flaws- actually, see them as beautiful, since they make me unique and they make me, me. Tell myself I'm beautiful, inside and out. (Corny, but important)
• Jump out of my comfort zone! AKA, talk to those I get too nervous to talk to, ask others to hang out, etc. Do a little bit of something like that each day, and maybe my social anxiety will not be so bad!
• Ignore my anxious/negative thoughts- Worried about something? Change the topic. I can worry forever, but that won't change a thing- I need to make the change. Think something will end up not so good? Stay positive! Maybe it'll end up in my favor. If not, I'll work through it, just like I always do.
• Stop putting myself down- I do it a lot, subconsciously or not, joking or serious. From the simplest things to, "Oh yeah, I'm too lazy to do that," to "I can't talk to them, I'm beneath them and unworthy of speaking to them,". Regardless of the type of thought, if I'm putting myself down, I need to stop that thinking process right away (think of a train stopping suddenly) and redirect my thoughts to positive reinforcement. It can be things like, "I'm not too lazy, I just need to put in the effort," or "I'm the only one who sees myself as beneath everyone else. So why do I do this? Let me take a step back, understand why, and then laugh at it and tell myself I deserve the same treatment as everyone else."
• Talk to more people- And be very nice to them! Be very friendly and accepting, and try to make more friends. The more people like me, the more I'll feel more confident. And I'll be making some good friends, too! Additionally, I shouldn't feel anxious to ask them to hang out. If they get awkward, oh well, leave them be and move onto someone else more willing.
• Focus on friends rather than boys I like- Yeah, boys are cute; that's obvious. But at this age, they're more a handful than anything, and romantically, they never stick around long. I should focus on maintaining good friendships with people rather than zeroing in on something that won't last long and will most likely hurt me. An additional note; I should focus more on the friendships with the boys I like, since they may end up being a far better friend than a temporary boyfriend!
• Get in shape- Now, this step especially sucks, because it requires healthy eating; which I don't exactly love. But I'll most likely gain more confidence if I feel comfortable in my body. However, I should love my body regardless of the way it looks. 
• Fall in love with myself- Zero in on my positive aspects. What makes me a good, likable person? Why do others like me? Of course, this doesn't mean I should ignore things I should improve upon- however, I should not fret over them.
• Do good deeds- Another corny one. This can be as simple as complimenting someone, to doing community service. I love the natural high I get from doing good deeds!
• Treat myself well- Stressed out, or just want to do something fun? Take a warm bath and read a book. Listen to my favorite music, take a nap, dance, sing, eat good food (not in excess, of course). Whatever makes me happy, I should do!

Well, that's basically it. I need to follow the guidelines above that I just wrote. After I become more confident, I should then work on my weaknesses to better myself as a person. I also have to remind myself that this won't happen overnight.

Changing My Ways

Sorry that I haven't written in a while. Life's been quite busy...

But right now I'm in a bit of a sour mood- although, it is opening my eyes to things I've been letting gather dust for quite a while now.

I've always felt awkward. More than awkward, really.

I've always felt below everyone else. Not worthy of being spoken to, or acknowledged.

Not "cool" enough.

Now I know deep down that I am a decent person.

I know, somewhere, that I'm attractive and I'm also a good person who's interesting, kind and funny.

But once I'm thrown into this sort of Hell called "school", my mouth immediately shuts tightly.

I somehow don't know how to speak to anyone.

I feel like everyone is judging me. And I can't say hi to others I don't know well, because they'll think I'm weird/annoying/desperate.

So I stay in my anxiety-filled comfort zone and stay quiet, not speaking to many people.

While I think this makes me appear less annoying, it actually makes me appear much more awkward and... Odd.

People without anxiety (or, shall I say, those who only experience the normal amounts of it) don't understand anxiety.

They take it personally, and probably think I don't want to speak to them.

Meanwhile, I do want to speak to many people- I just feel like I can't.

Like I'm stuck where I currently am; which, where I am resides people I talk to, but I don't hang out with.

They're all people I'd consider "friends", but more just people to talk to than anything.

Plus, it's so hard now in school to weasel into a friend group. Especially in a small school.

So I feel like I'm trapped in the position I am currently in.

I obsess over men I want partially because of my OCD, and partially because I don't hangout.

When you have no friends outside of your family that you spend time with or have an actual bond with, you start to rely on love-

Especially when your best friendship you ever had was with your one and only boyfriend...

However, considering the way I worry about crushes and how I let it ruin friendships, I'd be better off not dating at all right now.


It's safe to say that at this moment, I need to make good friends.


To do this, however, I need to do the following

1) Gain self confidence (AKA don't give a shit about consequences/what others think of me)

• To gain self confidence, I have to remind myself that I'm worth it.
• I'm not below any of these other people. I'm on equal ground with them.
• They don't think I'm below them either- I'm the only one thinking that way.
• If I talk to them, they'll probably like me. Refer to J.D. in chem.
• I need to weigh out my strengths and weaknesses.
• By doing that^, I need to focus on my strengths and become proud of them.
• I need to stop thinking about the consequences
• Do what I want, in reason.
• It's okay to mess up, stumble on my words, appear awkward... it happens.
• If people don't like me, they can get over it. It's not my problem, it's their's.
• Walk around knowing I'm a good person with good intentions, and that I'm not perfect.

2) Talk to more people

• I can do this before gaining self confidence, or while doing both.
• First, say hi to those I know slightly but want to get to know better.
• Say hi in the hallways here or there to these people.
• Make conversation with them when I can (or when it seems like a good time).
• Get to know these people more by talking to them more and saying hi, appearing more approachable.
• Be friendly to everyone- even if awkward, joke around.
• Things may get awkward- it's okay. At least I tried. Eventually it won't be awkward.
• Also, reach out to those I want to get closer to/I want to be friends with again (Like A.B.)

3) Become more approachable by doing so

• Self explanatory: by doing the above, I'll appear more outgoing and friendly.
• People will talk to me/come to me more.

4) Make friends in school

• Gradually become more friendly/friends with the people I say hi to.
• Be friends with "everyone"
• Hopefully find a group that I fit into and like
• Find excuses to be around them all the time (groups in school, lunch, classes, etc.)
• Bond over things.

5) Gather the balls to ask those friends to hang out

• Once close with these people, ask them to hang out.
• The worst that'll happen is them saying "no"
• If they get annoyed at me asking, who cares? Their loss.
• And then I'll know I shouldn't waste my time on them.
• Ask even if I'm afraid to.
• Make sure I know the person a decent bit, though.
• If this works and we hang, make sure to stay close with the person/people and hang out with them periodically.

6) Focus on the bonds of the friendships

• Let love come gradually- don't care about it
• Focus on friendships more than possible relationships
• Let the friendships bloom

YES, I am alive!

Huzzah! I have risen from the dead. Yes, I am back everyone! The flowers you bought for my funeral can be thrown away now.

....

Just kidding, of course. Sorry for the inactivity. I won't give an excuse- the honest truth is that I forgot about this site. And... I'm extremely lazy. Every time I thought about making a post, I was like, "nah..."

But here I am. Back on it.



What's changed, you may ask? A lot is a good place to start. Well, play rehearsals have been taking up most of my free time. And I play a really minor part. It's cool to see all the talent the others hold, but honestly, the lack of time to myself is keeping me stressed.

I don't get much time to work on homework and, more importantly, relax.

As usual, anxiety has it's grip tightened around my throat. I try to battle it, but it's so hard to... So I let it control me. I find it hard to talk to others, because I never know what to say, topics to bring up, etc.

But, I have  been making more friends and stuff. So that's cool.

How are you guys?

Restless Love

All my life, I've been searching for the other puzzle piece
For someone else to help complete me.

Deep down, I feel like I can't do this on my own.
With my own demons haunting me periodically,

How am I to numb the worry without the rush of temporary
Love?

I dappled in my first taste about two years ago, ever since,
I've been craving for that requited feeling like a druggie

Sniffs down the location to his short term satisfaction.
Insecure and unsure, yeah, that's me and I won't deny it.

The result is almost always devastating, breaking down
Relationships.

Yet I still ache for that fleeting moment of joy, whether it be
One hour or two years, I feel like it's all I really need.

The leaves turn different shades and so does my affection,
Switching to yet another boy who's caught my anxious eye.

I'm constantly hoping to cling upon the hope of having someone
Accept me.

I do know, in the core of my soul, that only I can accept myself,
However, it takes so much strength and willpower to do so!

How am I supposed to love myself when I make so many mistakes,
When my mind points them out like grammatical errors.

So I just pull the covers over my head, close my eyes, and
Dream of, yet another, Restless Love.

You Can't Leave You

Insecurity, anxiety,
Described in two words;
Yeah, that's me.

For a flower to bloom,
It needs both two things;
Water and sunshine.

I'm already watered down,
Where's the sunshine been?
Perhaps I haven't been looking

For it? Because my words are
Still mangled in my throat,
Itchy and weary and fading

Ever so slightly, over time they
Are eroding. Will I ever raise those
Words, into the stale, plain air?

So many things to say, left unspoken,
Too worried of the many outcomes,
Unknown and scary, like a villian from

A children's scary story, the boogie man
Outside with a mask on, unreadable,
Unsure of what will happen, unknowing.

Like glass, hopefully one day it will break,
Shatter into hundreds of pieces, each one
Reflecting the color of the other equator's

Rainbow. Because heaven knows I need
To put more effort into loving myself,
And I need to embrace my flaws, insecurities.

Can't wait for someone else to,
You are your only hero, every other one
Leaves, but you can't leave you.