Restless Love

All my life, I've been searching for the other puzzle piece
For someone else to help complete me.

Deep down, I feel like I can't do this on my own.
With my own demons haunting me periodically,

How am I to numb the worry without the rush of temporary
Love?

I dappled in my first taste about two years ago, ever since,
I've been craving for that requited feeling like a druggie

Sniffs down the location to his short term satisfaction.
Insecure and unsure, yeah, that's me and I won't deny it.

The result is almost always devastating, breaking down
Relationships.

Yet I still ache for that fleeting moment of joy, whether it be
One hour or two years, I feel like it's all I really need.

The leaves turn different shades and so does my affection,
Switching to yet another boy who's caught my anxious eye.

I'm constantly hoping to cling upon the hope of having someone
Accept me.

I do know, in the core of my soul, that only I can accept myself,
However, it takes so much strength and willpower to do so!

How am I supposed to love myself when I make so many mistakes,
When my mind points them out like grammatical errors.

So I just pull the covers over my head, close my eyes, and
Dream of, yet another, Restless Love.

You Can't Leave You

Insecurity, anxiety,
Described in two words;
Yeah, that's me.

For a flower to bloom,
It needs both two things;
Water and sunshine.

I'm already watered down,
Where's the sunshine been?
Perhaps I haven't been looking

For it? Because my words are
Still mangled in my throat,
Itchy and weary and fading

Ever so slightly, over time they
Are eroding. Will I ever raise those
Words, into the stale, plain air?

So many things to say, left unspoken,
Too worried of the many outcomes,
Unknown and scary, like a villian from

A children's scary story, the boogie man
Outside with a mask on, unreadable,
Unsure of what will happen, unknowing.

Like glass, hopefully one day it will break,
Shatter into hundreds of pieces, each one
Reflecting the color of the other equator's

Rainbow. Because heaven knows I need
To put more effort into loving myself,
And I need to embrace my flaws, insecurities.

Can't wait for someone else to,
You are your only hero, every other one
Leaves, but you can't leave you.

Embarassingly Jealous

Whenever I crush hard on someone, I get jealous real easy. I'm not lying or dramatizing that in the slightest.

They're talking to another girl friendly, a girl they're close to? I get extremely jealous.

I don't get angry at the girl- I get upset that they're not talking to me, that they're closer to them.

He likes other girls photos on Instagram, but not mine? I get jealous.

It's the weirdest thing. I wish I could not be so jealous, but I can't help it. Well, maybe I can, but I don't know how.

So right now, I'm just venting.

And I know this isn't rational. He's not mine- he can talk to whoever he wants to, whenever. But it still makes me upset that he's not talking to me.

I guess, deep down, this is just my insecurity speaking? Maybe I don't think I'm good enough for him, not worthy of his attention like the other girls?

When I see him talking to other girls I shut down- don't speak to him. I feel like I shouldn't butt in or I'll look desperate/thirsty (lol).

I mean I've never been cheated on before.. So I have no excuse, really.

And I never tell them I'm jealous- I mean, that'd make me look weird (like how I am). I kinda just give them the silent treatment, or back off a bit.

Its almost like I feel like I'm doing them a favor, because I'm not as worthy as the other girl is.

And, by writing this all down, it's obvious; it's my insecurity.

random poem

Used to wallow in my misery, lack of confidence,
Always would throw the towel in, let them win,
I would get knocked down to the ground, and allow it.
Now I stand up from there, knees bloodied and scraped,
Arising with a small grin on my face.

Love for life is growing, blooming from the stems of
My heart. It all depends on how you view life,
See it as a bad thing, and you feel it is horrible-
Look at is as if it were precious, and every memory
Is made to feel that way.

And I still hold hope in my heart to find more people
Worthy of my time- perhaps I have, and I haven't realized
That they are yet. But now I worry less about that, I need to
Focus on myself more, not friendships that will not last long.
Pursue my dreams, become who I want to be.

I always had a sense of humor- now I use it at my worst moments.
Better to laugh at the face of death than to fall to your knees and pray,
I suppose. I'd rather make light of dreary situation than feel more entwined,
Confined by the cutting ropes of thoughts unable to decipher. Better to count
The petals on the rose than to let the prickles make you bleed.

A strong urge to help others, I pursue this feeling. I wish to be an
Inspiration to others. I know that's a far away thought- I have lots of
Flaws, but I'm working on them, accepting them, letting them show.
I want to be a light to other people, someone they can reach out to.
I want the better part of me to shine through, rather than the shy,
Unapproachable version of me.

Yes, there is a loud part of me- it's in my caliber. I have a loud, booming laugh,
A twisted sense of humor to match. The flow of music calms me to sleep,
Or inspires me to keep going. A stroke of a paint brush, the sip of rich tea,
It's all a part of me. I want the real me to reach out and touch others, regardless
Of if they like it or not.

I guess, deep down, I just want people to know who I really am.
I'm not that dead silent girl in the back of the classroom. I'm full of personality.
I love to laugh, I love to love, I love to live. I worry far more than I should,
I say things I really shouldn't. But that's all a part of me. And you're allowed
To dislike that.

Change of Heart and Mind

Okay, so this is really weird. The boy I was basically foaming over the mouth for a few days, yeah- I'm basically over.

I guess I just had a reality check- the fact is, he probably cannot date. And, he is also probably not right for me. He's a sweet heart, but hard to get close to.

To explain that more, he's very superficial. Like that friend you have that you cannot penetrate the walls of, you just talk about general things like school and the weather.

It's almost like he's business like. And he's so sweet but, hey, I like someone that loosens up easier.

And I shouldn't judge- maybe he's anxious, too. Maybe he doesn't like opening up to others.

But is that my problem? No. I'll be friends with him, but keep it that way. Nothing further than that.

Just friends.

Actually, you know that other boy my brother's friends with- the one I'm going to do a duet with? Well, I think he would be a better match (not that I'm going to date him).

He's kind of... Er, sexual. He's at that age. But he's much more chill, loose, at ease. Not so superficial.

So I really like that guy I was talking about before. I know, my crushes are fleeting. But this boy is such a rarity- a complete sweetheart. And good looking, like, holy crap.

And... well, religion. Probably won't be able to date him ever. But I need to focus on friendships, not relationships.

I mean, they say relationships last less longer than friendships do. I know that, I've experienced it; losing both a friendship and a relationship at the same time.

If something happens, let it happen. If it doesn't, that's cool.

I also need to just, chill... Calm down, tell myself not to worry, say what I want, and just chill.

Anyway. I auditioned for a play. Apparently, I'm decent at acting. Weird, never would've known. However, we have to meet 2 hours a day, almost every day of the school week.

D:

This Dance

I know I should go slow,
Craft our budding alliance,
To the ways of happiness you shall show,
But my heart is on defiance.

And yes, I understand I'm in
Lust, not love, it's a mixture
Of admiration and adoration,
For you, whom I barely know.

Yet, I still crave your company,
Romantically, a nervous misfit,
A hopeful optimist, are you just
Too good for me? Probably.

Probably so, but I'll start slow.
I mean, I'm enraptured by you,
But we need time for this to grow,
And you gotta get to know me, too.

So nice, too kind, perhaps, in the eyes
Of others. But there's no deceit inside
Of you, instead, just a kind gentle soul,
Made by the stroke of God's paintbrush.

And I wish I could be that perfect,
So perfectly crafted, someone everyone loves,
Makes me anxious you might never like me back,
Which I say is okay, but I still hurts me.

You're my motivator, everyone's, maybe,
You help me believe in myself, take a chance,
Perhaps I've just been looking for you to save me?
I hope one day, you'll take this dance.

School Days, School Days...

School has been going surprisingly... Well. I've been talking to a lot of new people, been being more friendly, etc. And, for the most part, my classes are going good.

Disregarding Geometry, of course.

I've been writing, reading and singing a lot. Eventually, I'm going for voice lessons at a place in my town. I'd remind my mom, but they're pretty expensive.

Also, my mom wants to pay for me to make a studio recording... Which I like the thought of, but I don't want her spending that much money. After doing a bit of research, my brother's (hot) friend told me the place he goes to (which is "legit") is about $800... Yikes!

So I'd feel so guilty about her spending all that money on me. And I also feel like I should work on my singing a bit more before going into a studio. It'd be almost embarrassing.

Additionally, I've become closer to another boy my brother is (kind of) friendly with. He's actually pretty popular, but for much different reasons than most (like money, dick personality, etc.)

This is because he is a complete sweetheart. Nobody has anything bad to say about him. He's just so kind, gentlemanly, respectful, funny, etc. Not to mention, he's extremely gifted in music and is incredibly smart.

He's, like, the perfect guy for me. Probably too perfect for me. And he's actually good looking, too.

Only problem is that everyone is all over him- respectably so. I don't know if I could ever date someone that loved haha.

But I'm not going to think about that aspect a lot. 1. Because I'm a bit younger, 2. I'm much more shy than he is (he's really outgoing), 3. I'm unpopular (not that he would care probably, but others would), and 4. He's probably not interested.

If he follows his religion strictly, he probably wouldn't be able to date my anyway... So yeah. Just friends for now. But holy crap, going to prom with him would be like heaven.

We're not like friends, but kind of friends. I want to get closer, but I'm a bit intimidated by his popularity..

-Bean

Gnc

At the bottom of my heart lyes my real self,
Only me, no bias, no imitations. A girl who
Isn't afraid to be herself, unwilling to bite her tongue.

Yet its subdued, hiding in the hallways,
Its dug down deeper and deeper until
Its barely noticeable. I whip the mask
Right back on and stay hushed, as always.

Too nervous to speak, anxious not to speak.
Yeah, maybe my brain's been wired the wrong way
Because sometimes it feels like everything's fuzed together,
Other days, they just can't seem to work together.

All I know is, I've gotten tired of resisting what I think,
Keeping the words stuck in my throat, tempted to come out.
I'm like a butterfly still stuck in its cocoon,
Wings fluttering, but too afraid to come out.

First Day of School!

So I went back to school, and had a decent day, but you know, I always stress over all the bad parts. I talked to a lot of people, said hi to a lot (even my ex!), gave a high five to my brother's cute friend that I absolutely love... So, over all, it was positive.

But today was just... One of those days, you know? Where I just broke down from the stress. I had to hold back from crying. Silly, I know. But I just worry over such trivial stuff, like what I said to so and so, what I seemed like to others, the popular kids...

The word popular has always been bitter in my mouth, but has only gotten more sour this past month. And today it just really hurt. It sucks when you feel like you can't speak to them.

I've calmed down now, but yeah. I guess I forgot how stressful school can really be :/.

O is for Obsessive

O is for obsessive, always grabbing a hold of me,
Like I've been lifted up by the neck, by a clammy, rough hand.
I can't escape, nor can I breathe, because the thoughts just
Won't escape from me.

C is for compulsive, can't help what I do.
No matter how hard I try, the thoughts cycle back,
Like a rewinding video tape, back and forth,
A TV remote with no pause button.

D is for disorder, yet it doesn't define me.
I say it doesn't shape who I am, but it sure
Alters my mood, souring it with a sprinkle of
Panic and anxiety.

Its all normal, fine and dandy, the weather's
Forecast says no chance of rain.
The sun is gleaming, everyone's beaming
Even the flowers follow the wind's rhythm for me.

And then all of a sudden, the sky swirls ash gray,
Smoky clouds circling above me.
The first trickle of rainwater slides down my face,
And just like that, its back again.

Counting the Days

I haven't posted in, like, forever... Which is approximately five days, lol.

Anyhow, as you can assume from the title school is starting soon for me, on this Thursday. Yuck. The thought of it really makes me wanna vomit. Well, not actually- I'm being a bit dramatic, but yeah, not so excited.

I just really don't want to have to say hi to so many people. It sounds overwhelming to me. However, I've decided I'm going to be different this year. I'll say hi to who I want, when I want, say anything I want to also... Basically, I'm going to (try to) not care about what others think.

Actually, cross off the try to in parenthesis. I have to, because if I don't I'll always be lonely, with no good friends. I'll always feel like an outcast, like I'm a weirdo. I have to learn not to care what others think about me.

But yeah, it's kind of taxing just thinking about it. I'm still going to do it, even if I don't want to, but I worry deep down that I may give up or not go through with it. But then I have to throw those thoughts away, because you know, if I worry I'll probably do worse than I would not being anxious about it.

And the thought of being there for almost 7 hours and having to do work, having not much time makes me wanna curl into a ball and cry.

On the bright side, though, I'm kind of excited to make new friends, and especially get closer to my brother's cute friend. He's in a singing group with me. In fact, he asked if I'm going to join again this year, and after I said yeah, he told me "I better". Wonder what that means... :D (yeah, I kind of love him. No judging!)

Also, like the geek I am, I'm excited to see my new classes and buy supplies and stuff.. And clothing shopping, of course. I actually got this really cute Kimono from Sears that I will wear the hell out of.

Maybe this school year will be better.. Well, I'm sure it will, since I'm going to not care as much.

How are you guys doinnn?

-Bean