Damn it, I miss it...

It seems like when I don't have a guy to obsess over I go back to obsessing over fictional relationships. Maybe I'm too into relationships or I'm just a teenager with amazingly crazy hormones. But I'm really nervous that I'm like this. Maybe because of the fact that i have no actual friendships that are substantial, I only know friendships and meaningful relationships through dating? I don't know, I'm just so confused. Its like always need something to focus on/obsess about. Probably my OCD.

And I really miss anime sometimes. I know it was toxic and unhealthy for me but some days I just... Gosh I crave it. I miss going crazy over that one show. And I know I didn't really love life because I let it consume my life but I miss it being my entire life... I miss the art and talking with other fans. I miss the stories and characters. Most of all, though, I miss it being always in my thoughts, blocking out all the bad and the tough to things.

But what sucks is that I KNOW I can't go back to it. It'll become unhealthy. It's also not right for me, especially since I'm now so sensitive to graphic/violent things. Plus some of it I shouldn't had seen.

And even if I could go back, it just... Wouldn't be the same.

Nikon Coolpix L830 Review

So, a few days ago, I finally broke down and bought a camera. Well, the one I bought is the Nikon Coolpix L830. And I have to say... This thing is amazing!

It takes such great pictures in low light and in great light. It's a bit bulky, but not uncomfortable and is easy to hold. I got it in a nice, deep red color, which isn't gaudy yet looks awesome. The only downfalls are that there is no viewfinder and you have to manually transport all pictures onto your computer (no built in wifi)

I'm too lazy to write out a full review, so here are some pictures I took with it!

Baby Cardinals born by our house.

:)

-Bean

So Confused

My OCD has been pretty bad lately. I've been feeling real guilty for watching/playing games with violence. I can't write stories still without being anxious it's not good enough, or that I didn't include enough information, planning, characters aren't good enough, etc.

I was actually extremely bad two days ago (day after the beach). In fact, I was really upset, feeling awfully guilty and just over all really terrible. Like it was last summer again, almost. But it's always my hormones, funnily enough, that make me feel so bad. There's a method to it's madness..

I don't know, I'm just tired of this. I really like video games, but I worry that they're too violent and I'm desensitizing myself, or I'm too addicted. I guess I'm just worried I'll make video games my whole world, like I did with anime. It's okay to keep it as a hobby for me, but that's it.

I mean, I do things outside of the computer. I hang out with friends, I go out with my mom a lot. I'm not on the computer for too long. I just really like watching gamers playing video games. And I love the creativity and story between games, too.

But some games are not healthy for me to watch at all. My mother told me either watch them and not feel guilty/disgusted or just avoid them and steer clear of games like that. In fact, she's worried over me watching/playing any video games at all now.

I'm better today, and I was yesterday, but it just makes me worry. What if I'm not completely healed? Maybe I'm still depressed? Are video games really that bad, or are they healthy, as long as they aren't too violent?

So confused.

-Bean

Beach day!

So I went to the beach yesterday with my family, and it was pretty fun. We went to a new place for once (my dad has an obsession with this one beach, which is really crappy btw). There was a mini boardwalk, lots of good food (FUNNEL CAKE!!!), and some decent looking men scattered around. Not to mention, the people were pretty nice, too. However, where I live people are kinda snooty, so it's probably normal there haha.


A lot went on. I didn't go too far in the water, because it was absolutely crazy out there! The waves were real close and gigantic. Plus I'm not the best swimmer out there... :)

It was a bit cold when you'd get out of the water, but otherwise the weather was kinda perfect.It was really sunny out and was great to just lay in. After a while, though, my mom got bored of just... well, sitting there. So we went to go onto the boardwalk, so we could look at some cute cover ups.

All of them were cute, I guess, but I swear- why is it so freakin' hard to find a cover up with sleeves?! Anyhow, I got this really cute stuffed animal penguin. I'll post a picture of him later. He's soooo cute! We also had some delicious funnel cake while scouting for good looking men (yes, my mother assists me in this haha). And basically just people watching. The ocean was so calming that we were kinda zoned.

Then we went on this thing called the "Jetti" if that's how you spell it. It was basically a whole bunch of rocks/concrete around the ocean, which people constantly felt like graffiti-ing, I guess. Lots of stupid words were spray painted on the rocks, which takes away from it, but oh well.

You can see the waves in here, and they're oddly green... Yeah, that's because of all the kelp and seaweed. I have no idea why there was so much, but if you look you can also see it washed ashore. Weird, huh? It was kinda fun to throw at my dad and brother though!

Look at all that seaweed/kelp!

This is the only decent sunset picture I got, but it's right by the amusement park so yeah, I was proud of my amateur photography skills lol. Well, as the sun went down, there was some type of palm reading thing, so my mother and I decided to do it. GOD, was that chick accurate! I assumed a lot of it would be bullcrap, but most of it was really true.

Apparently, I will be married until I die, no divorce or anything. I'll have two children, and I'll be a writer, also teaching history? Sounds a little odd, but whatever.

Later on there were fireworks right by the beach, which was absolutely amazing. They looked so big, much better than any I've seen around my house! The sky was so clear, and it was just so pretty.

Also, before that, I met this little boy selling lemonade who has a beach house there. He was a real whipper snapper and was absolutely adorable. I wanted to take him home! Not literally, but kinda. And I recently got braces, so it was a bit hard to eat pizza (the bread part), but over all, good night.

So I guess that's it. Over all, I had a pretty good time! Anyhow, how are you guys doing?

-Bean

The Awesome Life List

One (awesome) person I follow on here, called Whimsical Youngster, started up something called "The Awesome Life List". Whenever you feel down, or if you just wanna be more positive, you list all the things that make your life... Well, awesome. So I decided to give it a try, since I can often be a Negative Nelly at times!

Why my life is awesome:

• My awesome mother. She is so supportive and sweet, and is basically my best friend. She's hilarious, yet understanding and nurturing. Without her, I wouldn't be half of who I am today. She's helped make me become a more understanding and, over all, better person.
• The rest of my family. My brother has kind of helped me be a bit of a tomboy, haha, and we can talk about some stuff together, even though we sometimes fight a lot. I'm not too-too close to my Dad, but I still love him a lot, even if he can be a jerk at times.
• Anime. I'm not into it anymore, but it shaped me into who I am, even if some of it I shouldn't have seen. Even if it was unhealthy, too. It made me more artistic and a better writer, and helped me realize that I can like things, but they should remain strictly a hobby, not a lifestyle.
• Video games as well. Like I said about anime, some things I shouldn't have seen. But others, like for example, the game "The Last of Us", have really inspired me to write. Maybe even to write for the gaming industry. Also, I've made some friends through gaming (IRL friends though).
• Music. I'm not too big into it as of now, since I'm having trouble finding good music, but right now I'm really grooving on The Arctic Monkeys. Anyhow, music has inspired me to sing more, and some people (like P!NK and Michael Jackson) have helped me find a writing style for music.
• My past friends have also made my life awesome. Not all of them were that good to me, but they've made me realize I need to take friends as only a "fun" thing, not a serious, lets-talk-about-our-feelings thing.
• Oh, and books of course! They've made me a much more imaginative and creative person, and probably a bit smarter too. Also, they're really fun to read and are a very good, healthy escape for me now!

That's it for now! Maybe I'll come back and edit it later?

-Bean

Life is Worth it

I went to the beach for four hours today with my mother and father. We didn't go in the water or anything, since we're actually doing that tomorrow. Anyhow, it was pretty fun!

Light house thingy magiggy.

We climbed these rocks to get towards a little light-house thingy. It was pretty cool, despite all the graffiti surrounding it. And it smelled a lot like fish, but hey, it's the ocean. The wind was really nice, and the air was slightly cool, but not enough to make you cold. I got cold around night time, but that's to be expected when you're wearing a dress.

My parents and I also met some pretty nice people. Unfortunately, I just recently got braces, so when we went to grab a bite for dinner I couldn't eat the bread on my veggie burger :(. It hurt too much, so I just ate the actual burger with not much of the bread. It was still really good, though!

After we ate, my parents got up to throw out the garbage or something. I still sat at the table we ate at, which had a great vantage point to look at the water right by, and the people crossing the road. Well... Haha, this is embarrassing, I'll tell you guys anyways though.

Well.. There was this really attractive guy that passed by with a friend. He looked a bit like Zac Efron, except less girly. He had nice, piercing eyes and wavy brown hair. Like, damn, he was pretty hot, even though he was older than me. Well.

My mother and I often point out good looking guys to each other, so I turned around and yelled to my mother, "MOM, LOOK!". I guess I don't know how to lower my own volume? She replies, asking, "What?" and I turn back around to show her the guy. I nod towards his direction.... But. He's staring right in my direction, and sees me nod twice towards his direction with this crap-eating grin on my face.

Like, imagine that look you get when you're like, "My God, that guy/girl is absolutely hot!!". You sometimes get a smug look. Well, he noticed that, and he and his friend started laughing. They were talking to each other and looked back a lot before they went onto the beach.

I was a bit mortified, but very humored. And hey, he looked at me. That means something, right? Haha :D

So, yeah... That's the funny bit from today. However, on the more serious/philosophical spectrum, I realized just how nice it is to actually go out and do something. Being constantly online is just really depressing I guess.

You're missing out on all these amazing opportunities to experience with others. You're missing out on the fresh air, the gorgeous sunsets, the natural, breathtaking beauty of nature. I just get so happy going to the beach, or just going out to new places and actually doing stuff, especially new things. It's so nice to break up the monotony for once.

Doing the same, repetitive things over and over to ease our temporary boredom gets so... redundant. Maybe I'm starting to see all the things I can do in life, and the beauty of it?

I don't know, it's just so hard to explain how I felt at that time. I felt so... happy, so at peace. Like that my life was on the right track. That everything is worth it.

Maybe that's just called loving life? I'm not sure.

-Bean

Games to play

Games I probably should play someday

- Red Dead Redemption
-Destiny
-Silent Hill (whole series, especially Downpour)
-Mirror's Edge
-Metal Gear Solid
-Mass Effect
-Tom Clancy (Splinter Cell: Blacklist)
-God of War
-Uncharted
-Devil May Cry
-Dead or Alive (I played the old ones though)
-Max Payne
-Dead Rising
-Wolfenstein (newer ones)
-Resident Evil
-Outlast
-Dead Space
-

Swimsuit Cover-ups

There are so many to pick, so here's a list for me to look back at later.


JcPenny1
JcPenny2
JcPenny3
Target1
Target2
Forever21 1
Forever21 2

SunShine Award!

Many thanks to Klassic Kitty for nominating me! Go follow her awesome blog at this link :) 

 http://klassickitty.blogspot.com/2014/07/the-sunshine-award.html?showComment=1405116120902#c339703582959267595

Okay, so here are the rules! 

Rules: Answer the 11 questions your nominator asked you. Then tag 11 other bloggers that add sunshine/ happiness to your day and ask them 11 questions of your own.

Alright, Here I go! :)

1. What is your favorite song that you listen to when you are sad? I actually have a lot I listen to, although I don't like to stay sad when I am (I like to ignore my sadness and try to be happy again haha). Umm, one instrumental I listen to when I'm sad is called Gymnopedie 1 by Erik Satie. I think that's what it's called. I also really like to listen to John Mayer's music when I'm a bit upset. Some of my favorite sad songs from him are, "Slow Dancing in a Burning Room," "Gravity", etc. I'm too lazy to list the rest XP.
2. If you had to choose between delicious food or ultra fast wifi, which one? Hmm.. That's difficult. However, I'd pick delicious food. You can get ultra fast wifi by paying a lot more money, which I guess could be possible if I got a job and saved up some cash. However, you need a good cook in your life for delicious food. That probably costs more in the end. However, it'd be pretty awesome to have a hot butler!
3. Rate your life right now 1-10, 10 is the highest. Well... Maybe about a 7 or an 8? My life isn't amazing, there's a lot I need to work on, but I'm enjoying it much more than I did before.
4. Did you ever have your first kiss yet? (if its too personal its fine) Actually I have, not a real "kiss" (like, err, tongue and the such). It was just a peck on the mouth. I had a boyfriend for 6 months when I was in middle school. He was kind of awkward and weird, though. But it was really cute at the time, to like someone so much c:. 
5. Are you a positive or negative person? Umm, I'd say a blend of both. However, I think I'm more negative than positive. I dwell on what's wrong rather than what's right. I'm going to work on that.
6. What animal reflects you the most? CATS! Because I love them so so much, they're independent and stuff, they love food, and... Yeah. I love cats too much. But then that sounds like I love myself... No, I'm not arrogant. Woops D:
7. Do you see blogging as a future career? Probably not, but if this blog somehow gains popularity, I'd consider making it a career. Not full time though, I want to do something else when I'm older. Probably be in writing, maybe for the video game industry if I'm lucky.
8. Which subject in school do you hate most? Math, science a close second. Math I just absolutely suck at and don't grasp whatsoever. My whole family is terrible at math. However, I like science when there's topics about animals, psychology, etc. But science with, like, amino acids and cells and crap I'm terrible at. Also, formulas that come up in science, nuh uh. Not my gig.
9. Do you have any weird habits? Yes, I do. Some of them are embarassing. Actually, most of them are, so I'm not going to post many. But when I get the courage to talk to someone I don't know well, or I go to talk to someone I like (or my ex), my legs and hands sometimes shake like crazy. I get kind of air headed haha. 
10. Winter or Summer Summer by far! I'd rather be hot than cold. I hate being cold. Also, in the summer you have no school, you can do what you want... And the beach! My God, I love the beach.
11. Nutella or Peanut Butter? This is also a really hard question! I love both, but I'm going with peanut butter, since you can use it on more stuff. Sometimes nutella is too sweet to work with things. However, peanut butter and fluffenutter sandwich though :D *drools*.

Alright, so there are my answers! Now I gotta come up with 11 questions... This is gonna be hard.

1. Who is one person that makes your day far better, or someone that you like the most? (You don't have to put a name)

2. Who was your first crush, and if you remember, why? It can be a little kid crush or a serious one.

3. What about you makes others like you? (If you're not sure, just try to think of one reason why people like talking to you c:)

4. Are you girly, a tomboy, or a mix of both?

5. What are your favorite things to do?

6. If you could travel to anywhere in the world with no price or fees whatsoever, where would you go and why?

7. Are you a geek/a nerd in any way? And if you are, what makes you a geek/a nerd?

8. Who has influenced you to become who you are?

9. Who is your favorite singer/band/producer?

10. What is better, music or the internet?

11. And, last not least, how is your day going, rating from 1 - 10?

Here are the people I nominated:

D E V O U T disbelief in C R A Z I N E S S

Bohemian Plum

And anyone else who wants to do it, feel free!

Have an awesome day guys!!!

-Bean

Three Male Celebrities I Have Major Crushes On

Now I know this is quite the girly post, but I felt I needed to share some of my biggest celebrity crushes with you guys... I'm not big into celebrities, nor am I into boy bands, but these guys either A) are extremely good looking, B) have the sweetest personality, or C) both, if that's even humanely possible!

This is going to be in no specific order, so yeah.

1) Anthony Padilla (from Smosh)

Look at this sexy face. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, that is Anthony Padilla.

Ian Hecox and Anthony Padilla.
Ultimate sexiness, indeed.

I have had a crush on this man for quite a while. Although on his Youtube (Smosh) channel he can be quite annoying, loud and obnoxious, if you watch videos of just him and his partner in crime, Ian Hecox, he's actually a really good person. I mean, so is Ian, but Anthony is just so sweet and damn good looking.

I'm not too big into Smosh anymore. I'm not really sure why, maybe it's just because the stuff they make now is more marketed towards a younger audience, or I've just grown out of it.

Guys+Cats= ultimate cuteness!

Also, he has this adorable Bengal kitten named "Pip", and who could ever dislike a man who loves cats? I mean, come on. He posts videos of his cuddling it, and Pip purring. There's nothing more cuter/sexier than a nice looking man with a nice looking cat!

Not to mention, they've donated to a lot of charities, and use their money towards great things. They also are very dedicated to their Youtube channel and fans, and often do segments where they open mail that fans send them, which often times is very creepy...

It seems like they're running out of ideas, which sucks. I mean, they've done Youtube for a long, long time now. I believe they started some time in 2005 or 2006... And they haven't stopped since. Not to mention, it's commendable that they still have so many fans. They've kept a large fanbase since then till now. That's like 8 years. Holy crap!

I'd love to see just more vlogs of them rather than their actual videos.

However, I'll always have a soft spot for these two guys. Including
Anthony Padilla, of course. He's so freakin' cute and lovable and sweet and dorky and okay I'm done now.











2) Tanner Zagarino (Instagram)

Gosh, that smile!

Look at that deliciousness.

I don't really know much about this man other than the fact that he's a model, he's Instagram famous, and he's absolutely gorgeous and adorable.

Apparently, he's only 15? I'm not sure if that's true, but it would make me extremely happy if he is, because that's right around my age haha.





I don't know, I've had a crush on this kid for a while. He's just so cute! And I know nothing about him.

He has around 2 million followers on Instagram. Crazy, I know. It usually seems like the most attractive boys/girls get the most followers on Instagram. Although, sometimes, really ugly guys get fawned on by girls. And I never understand why.

But this dude... Yeah. I don't feel one ounce of guilt for following him at all.

Too bad he isn't in my state!

3) Jesy Mckinney (model)

Hi- HOLY CRAP YOU SEXY HUNK OF CHUNK

I only know about this guy for one reason, and one reason only- he is the face model for one of my favorite characters from one of my favorite games. That is Ellis, from Left 4 Dead 2. Gosh, when I figured this out I was so excited. And then I looked him up, and I was like, "DAAYYUUUMMMM!"

Unfortunately, he's not as attractive as he is here on his Instagram profile. But hey, he's still a really good looking guy. My gosh.

Ellis, the character he modeled for, from Left 4 Dead 2

And his character in L4D2 (Left 4 Dead 2) is extremely adorable. He's an air headed, silly hick who loves cars. Dude, I fell in love with the character on first site. And I thought the video game character was hot!






So, those were three of my celebrity crushes. Okay, I gotta go now, I've looked at too much handsomeness for today!

-Bean

Summer To-Do List!

I want to do so many things this summer, and I get so overwhelmed thinking about them. Well, I guess, here's a list. (Maybe it could even be considered a bucket list?)

• Wear more makeup; by this I mean wear makeup more often. But keep it basic!
• Buy more dresses, skirts, cute tops, bottoms, etc. Basically, be more of a clothes whore.
• Actually upload something on my gaming channel. I get so lazy, and I never have time to record alone.
• Lose a little bit of weight, gain a bit more muscle from volleyball.
  
  
  
• Maybe even go on a vacation with my mom :)!
• Do a bit with my hair.
• Do more DIY stuff
• Hang out with friends, not just potential romantic interests.
• Actually have a meaningful friendship with someone.
• Read more books!
• Speaking of books, reread The Archived.
• Write a bit more. Poetry, diary/journal entries, stories, whatever I feel like doing.
• Come up with some pretty awesome characters for my stories.
• Get into a TV show (Supernatural maybe? I've been missing watching shows since I got out of anime)
• Listen to some more of the Arctic Monkeys, maybe get into another band?
• Become more social
• GAIN MORE CONFIDENCE. My God, this is a must. 
• Stop worrying!
• Maybe get therapy for my OCD and anxiety? Though it's embarrassing to say on here.
• Find some new games to play.
• Also, find more people to play Xbox with.
• Hang out with friends I haven't hung out with or talked to much (especially A.B.!!)
• Record more songs, write more songs, maybe even create an album or something.
• Additionally, print out some songs I've written and put them in a binder^^^
• Be less careless, remember stuff more.
• Become much more organized!
• Join a volunteer group for cats :)
• Make friends outside of my town.
• Get into something new.

Well, that's about all I can think of... What do you guys wanna do over the summer? :)

(Also, sorry for the random nature pictures. I had absolutely no idea what to put on the side!)

Love you guys,

-Bean

Dying Dogs and Soft Shorts

So I went to the supermarket with my mother today... My brother works there, so we know most of the employees pretty good. Well, one of them walks out and tells us that a few people were complaining about a dog barking in a car. Us being the animal lovers we are, we search for the car that has the dog and we find it eventually. The windows are cracked, but damn is it hot outside! So we decide to call the cops- we never make a fuss over silly stuff, but after all the reports recently of people and dogs dying inside cars, we decided it was the better thing to do.

However, when my mother was on the phone, an older man was wandering the parking lot, walking past the car with the dog but not going in it. He looked over all really suspicious. Eventually, he goes up to the employee we were talking to, which later turns out that he was asking if we had a problem with him. I guess he saw us at the car and/or gawking at it, maybe even making the phone call? Then the guy went into the car with the dog- so it definitely was his car. Also, that car was completely out of state, so it may be that he was traveling. But who in the hell would leave their dog in the car, not running, in 95+ degree weather?! Are you insane?

Well, after like twenty minutes the policeman finally shows up. He pulls up to the guy's car and chats with him for a bit, and pulls out after a few minutes. My mother and I went into the supermarket to finally shop, but we were nervous the guy may get very angry and come into the shop and harass or something. Luckily, that didn't happen. His car was gone when we got out of the supermarket, so all went good.

I guess the message I'm trying to get across is to not leave your child or animals inside a car when it is absolutely disgusting outside. You may not think the car could get hot with the windows cracked, but a veterinarian recently did an experiment regarding this topic. I believe the temperate was originally 90 degrees or so, and while sitting in the car with the windows cracked the temperature climbed up to 118 degrees! Now imagine all the fur an animal has, combined with the heat! Absolutely insane.

(Please excuse the mess inside, I'll organize that later. Also, yes, that is a hello kitty flashlight)

Anyway, nothing else really happened today. I bought some really comfy shorts (Soffe) at 5 below. They are like absolute heaven- my butt cheeks are on cloud 9. Also, I bought some organizing bins (same place) for my desk and bedroom. They're pink and glittery and absolutely adorable! It's small and fit
s perfect on a desk kind of surface and was only 2 bucks for three. Did I mention it's extremely cute??

-Bean

Is Popularity Even Worth It?

When you're still in school, it goes either of two ways; either you're popular, or you're not. Even if you are one of those whom is friendly with both sides, you still lean to one more than the other. For me, I was on the unpopular side. To be honest, I don't even know how it all started- all I remember is that the popular group wouldn't talk to me in around 3rd grade. Now, I have not the slightest clue why. Maybe I was an absolutely annoying little kid, or they just didn't like me/didn't want to talk to me. But either way, this shaped my future. It made me a more quiet type of person, one that panics at the thought of talking to others. It's not necessarily their fault, but the whole things sure influenced who I am.

I used to desperately wish I was popular- that maybe I was rich, was really pretty, and could talk to everyone and everyone I wanted. As I got older, I wished I could go to their parties and do whatever they do. Maybe I could even date a popular boy. But, as I'm enjoying the summer leading up to 10th grade, I've been beginning to wonder if being popular is really all that peachy. There must be downsides, for sure. I mean, there's obvious downfalls to being unpopular- you're disliked by the cooler kids, you're viewed as either weird or boring, and you'll never live up to their standards. However, by being a bit of an outcast, you can show who you really are, regardless of if you'll be accepted or not. You'll still stay in that spectrum of popularity (or lack of). There will be much less drama, competition, and standards to actually live up to. Even if you feel you're inadequate, it's extremely hard to gain popularity at this age unless you're a new kid, or you become unbelievably sexy over the summer. So why not just be yourself? You won't have to worry about being fashionable, being stick-thin, having all the latest things. You'll find people that will accept you for who you are... Well, hopefully.

Over the years, I've begun to notice that popularity has a lot of flaws to it. I see the way it affects girls. Most of them act like they're full of themselves, meanwhile they're as insecure as we are. There's always a prettier girl, and if you are that pretty girl, you're secretly hated for it. Some girls even have to be whores to maintain their spot in the popularity role. When you really think about it, it's actually extremely ridiculous. All popularity is, is a competition for who's cooler, who's better looking, who has more money, etc.

So why do we fall into the loop of wishing we were cooler, and feeling insecure for the fact that these people do not think we are? I believe it's because we are either told or tell ourselves that we are not good enough, and that one of the easier ways to be better is to climb up the social rank. We're always lusting after the thought, however most of us believe we cannot join the ranks of those people. So we just stay insecure and stick to our spots on the lower ranks, wishing we could be something we believe we could not be.

This thing, popularity, affected me so much that I could barely even speak to others. I'm a decent looking girl, and I thought I was absolutely ugly. I thought I was weird because I was not girly at the time, and was into more boyish things. So, I believed I had a reason to be disliked, or at the very least avoided. Now, I've begun to realize that people think I have put up walls and I don't want to talk to them. I mean, some I don't wanna speak to, but most I want to be with at least friendly terms with. I'd rather have no enemies.

I was always desperate to appease everyone, I didn't want anybody to dislike me. Now, I'm beginning to talk more, and just be myself. I'm even wearing girly clothes because, hell, I can be girly if I want. To hell with popularity, it's not even worth it. All it is, is something to worry more about. At least, that's how I see it. Besides, most of the more "cooler" girls admit that none of their friends are true. Yet they kiss their ass majorly whenever they see them. It makes no sense, but it doesn't. How will they be defined, who will they be, if they are not popular? And on the flip side, how will one be defined, who will they be, if they become popular? They won't be an outcast. But who exactly will they be then?

What I suggest is, just be yourself. Who cares who accepts you or not- the ones that are worth your time will accept you, be there for you, and give you companionship. And I know I'm a hypocrite for saying these things, because I won't follow my own advice. However, maybe the more I say it, the more likely I'll be to follow it in the future. Maybe I'll say things when I want to.

Perhaps people will come to like me more, because my mouth won't always be shut.

-Bean