Changing My Ways

Sorry that I haven't written in a while. Life's been quite busy...

But right now I'm in a bit of a sour mood- although, it is opening my eyes to things I've been letting gather dust for quite a while now.

I've always felt awkward. More than awkward, really.

I've always felt below everyone else. Not worthy of being spoken to, or acknowledged.

Not "cool" enough.

Now I know deep down that I am a decent person.

I know, somewhere, that I'm attractive and I'm also a good person who's interesting, kind and funny.

But once I'm thrown into this sort of Hell called "school", my mouth immediately shuts tightly.

I somehow don't know how to speak to anyone.

I feel like everyone is judging me. And I can't say hi to others I don't know well, because they'll think I'm weird/annoying/desperate.

So I stay in my anxiety-filled comfort zone and stay quiet, not speaking to many people.

While I think this makes me appear less annoying, it actually makes me appear much more awkward and... Odd.

People without anxiety (or, shall I say, those who only experience the normal amounts of it) don't understand anxiety.

They take it personally, and probably think I don't want to speak to them.

Meanwhile, I do want to speak to many people- I just feel like I can't.

Like I'm stuck where I currently am; which, where I am resides people I talk to, but I don't hang out with.

They're all people I'd consider "friends", but more just people to talk to than anything.

Plus, it's so hard now in school to weasel into a friend group. Especially in a small school.

So I feel like I'm trapped in the position I am currently in.

I obsess over men I want partially because of my OCD, and partially because I don't hangout.

When you have no friends outside of your family that you spend time with or have an actual bond with, you start to rely on love-

Especially when your best friendship you ever had was with your one and only boyfriend...

However, considering the way I worry about crushes and how I let it ruin friendships, I'd be better off not dating at all right now.


It's safe to say that at this moment, I need to make good friends.


To do this, however, I need to do the following

1) Gain self confidence (AKA don't give a shit about consequences/what others think of me)

• To gain self confidence, I have to remind myself that I'm worth it.
• I'm not below any of these other people. I'm on equal ground with them.
• They don't think I'm below them either- I'm the only one thinking that way.
• If I talk to them, they'll probably like me. Refer to J.D. in chem.
• I need to weigh out my strengths and weaknesses.
• By doing that^, I need to focus on my strengths and become proud of them.
• I need to stop thinking about the consequences
• Do what I want, in reason.
• It's okay to mess up, stumble on my words, appear awkward... it happens.
• If people don't like me, they can get over it. It's not my problem, it's their's.
• Walk around knowing I'm a good person with good intentions, and that I'm not perfect.

2) Talk to more people

• I can do this before gaining self confidence, or while doing both.
• First, say hi to those I know slightly but want to get to know better.
• Say hi in the hallways here or there to these people.
• Make conversation with them when I can (or when it seems like a good time).
• Get to know these people more by talking to them more and saying hi, appearing more approachable.
• Be friendly to everyone- even if awkward, joke around.
• Things may get awkward- it's okay. At least I tried. Eventually it won't be awkward.
• Also, reach out to those I want to get closer to/I want to be friends with again (Like A.B.)

3) Become more approachable by doing so

• Self explanatory: by doing the above, I'll appear more outgoing and friendly.
• People will talk to me/come to me more.

4) Make friends in school

• Gradually become more friendly/friends with the people I say hi to.
• Be friends with "everyone"
• Hopefully find a group that I fit into and like
• Find excuses to be around them all the time (groups in school, lunch, classes, etc.)
• Bond over things.

5) Gather the balls to ask those friends to hang out

• Once close with these people, ask them to hang out.
• The worst that'll happen is them saying "no"
• If they get annoyed at me asking, who cares? Their loss.
• And then I'll know I shouldn't waste my time on them.
• Ask even if I'm afraid to.
• Make sure I know the person a decent bit, though.
• If this works and we hang, make sure to stay close with the person/people and hang out with them periodically.

6) Focus on the bonds of the friendships

• Let love come gradually- don't care about it
• Focus on friendships more than possible relationships
• Let the friendships bloom

YES, I am alive!

Huzzah! I have risen from the dead. Yes, I am back everyone! The flowers you bought for my funeral can be thrown away now.

....

Just kidding, of course. Sorry for the inactivity. I won't give an excuse- the honest truth is that I forgot about this site. And... I'm extremely lazy. Every time I thought about making a post, I was like, "nah..."

But here I am. Back on it.



What's changed, you may ask? A lot is a good place to start. Well, play rehearsals have been taking up most of my free time. And I play a really minor part. It's cool to see all the talent the others hold, but honestly, the lack of time to myself is keeping me stressed.

I don't get much time to work on homework and, more importantly, relax.

As usual, anxiety has it's grip tightened around my throat. I try to battle it, but it's so hard to... So I let it control me. I find it hard to talk to others, because I never know what to say, topics to bring up, etc.

But, I have  been making more friends and stuff. So that's cool.

How are you guys?

Restless Love

All my life, I've been searching for the other puzzle piece
For someone else to help complete me.

Deep down, I feel like I can't do this on my own.
With my own demons haunting me periodically,

How am I to numb the worry without the rush of temporary
Love?

I dappled in my first taste about two years ago, ever since,
I've been craving for that requited feeling like a druggie

Sniffs down the location to his short term satisfaction.
Insecure and unsure, yeah, that's me and I won't deny it.

The result is almost always devastating, breaking down
Relationships.

Yet I still ache for that fleeting moment of joy, whether it be
One hour or two years, I feel like it's all I really need.

The leaves turn different shades and so does my affection,
Switching to yet another boy who's caught my anxious eye.

I'm constantly hoping to cling upon the hope of having someone
Accept me.

I do know, in the core of my soul, that only I can accept myself,
However, it takes so much strength and willpower to do so!

How am I supposed to love myself when I make so many mistakes,
When my mind points them out like grammatical errors.

So I just pull the covers over my head, close my eyes, and
Dream of, yet another, Restless Love.

You Can't Leave You

Insecurity, anxiety,
Described in two words;
Yeah, that's me.

For a flower to bloom,
It needs both two things;
Water and sunshine.

I'm already watered down,
Where's the sunshine been?
Perhaps I haven't been looking

For it? Because my words are
Still mangled in my throat,
Itchy and weary and fading

Ever so slightly, over time they
Are eroding. Will I ever raise those
Words, into the stale, plain air?

So many things to say, left unspoken,
Too worried of the many outcomes,
Unknown and scary, like a villian from

A children's scary story, the boogie man
Outside with a mask on, unreadable,
Unsure of what will happen, unknowing.

Like glass, hopefully one day it will break,
Shatter into hundreds of pieces, each one
Reflecting the color of the other equator's

Rainbow. Because heaven knows I need
To put more effort into loving myself,
And I need to embrace my flaws, insecurities.

Can't wait for someone else to,
You are your only hero, every other one
Leaves, but you can't leave you.

Embarassingly Jealous

Whenever I crush hard on someone, I get jealous real easy. I'm not lying or dramatizing that in the slightest.

They're talking to another girl friendly, a girl they're close to? I get extremely jealous.

I don't get angry at the girl- I get upset that they're not talking to me, that they're closer to them.

He likes other girls photos on Instagram, but not mine? I get jealous.

It's the weirdest thing. I wish I could not be so jealous, but I can't help it. Well, maybe I can, but I don't know how.

So right now, I'm just venting.

And I know this isn't rational. He's not mine- he can talk to whoever he wants to, whenever. But it still makes me upset that he's not talking to me.

I guess, deep down, this is just my insecurity speaking? Maybe I don't think I'm good enough for him, not worthy of his attention like the other girls?

When I see him talking to other girls I shut down- don't speak to him. I feel like I shouldn't butt in or I'll look desperate/thirsty (lol).

I mean I've never been cheated on before.. So I have no excuse, really.

And I never tell them I'm jealous- I mean, that'd make me look weird (like how I am). I kinda just give them the silent treatment, or back off a bit.

Its almost like I feel like I'm doing them a favor, because I'm not as worthy as the other girl is.

And, by writing this all down, it's obvious; it's my insecurity.

random poem

Used to wallow in my misery, lack of confidence,
Always would throw the towel in, let them win,
I would get knocked down to the ground, and allow it.
Now I stand up from there, knees bloodied and scraped,
Arising with a small grin on my face.

Love for life is growing, blooming from the stems of
My heart. It all depends on how you view life,
See it as a bad thing, and you feel it is horrible-
Look at is as if it were precious, and every memory
Is made to feel that way.

And I still hold hope in my heart to find more people
Worthy of my time- perhaps I have, and I haven't realized
That they are yet. But now I worry less about that, I need to
Focus on myself more, not friendships that will not last long.
Pursue my dreams, become who I want to be.

I always had a sense of humor- now I use it at my worst moments.
Better to laugh at the face of death than to fall to your knees and pray,
I suppose. I'd rather make light of dreary situation than feel more entwined,
Confined by the cutting ropes of thoughts unable to decipher. Better to count
The petals on the rose than to let the prickles make you bleed.

A strong urge to help others, I pursue this feeling. I wish to be an
Inspiration to others. I know that's a far away thought- I have lots of
Flaws, but I'm working on them, accepting them, letting them show.
I want to be a light to other people, someone they can reach out to.
I want the better part of me to shine through, rather than the shy,
Unapproachable version of me.

Yes, there is a loud part of me- it's in my caliber. I have a loud, booming laugh,
A twisted sense of humor to match. The flow of music calms me to sleep,
Or inspires me to keep going. A stroke of a paint brush, the sip of rich tea,
It's all a part of me. I want the real me to reach out and touch others, regardless
Of if they like it or not.

I guess, deep down, I just want people to know who I really am.
I'm not that dead silent girl in the back of the classroom. I'm full of personality.
I love to laugh, I love to love, I love to live. I worry far more than I should,
I say things I really shouldn't. But that's all a part of me. And you're allowed
To dislike that.

Change of Heart and Mind

Okay, so this is really weird. The boy I was basically foaming over the mouth for a few days, yeah- I'm basically over.

I guess I just had a reality check- the fact is, he probably cannot date. And, he is also probably not right for me. He's a sweet heart, but hard to get close to.

To explain that more, he's very superficial. Like that friend you have that you cannot penetrate the walls of, you just talk about general things like school and the weather.

It's almost like he's business like. And he's so sweet but, hey, I like someone that loosens up easier.

And I shouldn't judge- maybe he's anxious, too. Maybe he doesn't like opening up to others.

But is that my problem? No. I'll be friends with him, but keep it that way. Nothing further than that.

Just friends.

Actually, you know that other boy my brother's friends with- the one I'm going to do a duet with? Well, I think he would be a better match (not that I'm going to date him).

He's kind of... Er, sexual. He's at that age. But he's much more chill, loose, at ease. Not so superficial.