Thursday, April 9, 2015

Changing My Ways

Sorry that I haven't written in a while. Life's been quite busy...

But right now I'm in a bit of a sour mood- although, it is opening my eyes to things I've been letting gather dust for quite a while now.

I've always felt awkward. More than awkward, really.

I've always felt below everyone else. Not worthy of being spoken to, or acknowledged.

Not "cool" enough.

Now I know deep down that I am a decent person.

I know, somewhere, that I'm attractive and I'm also a good person who's interesting, kind and funny.

But once I'm thrown into this sort of Hell called "school", my mouth immediately shuts tightly.

I somehow don't know how to speak to anyone.

I feel like everyone is judging me. And I can't say hi to others I don't know well, because they'll think I'm weird/annoying/desperate.

So I stay in my anxiety-filled comfort zone and stay quiet, not speaking to many people.

While I think this makes me appear less annoying, it actually makes me appear much more awkward and... Odd.

People without anxiety (or, shall I say, those who only experience the normal amounts of it) don't understand anxiety.

They take it personally, and probably think I don't want to speak to them.

Meanwhile, I do want to speak to many people- I just feel like I can't.

Like I'm stuck where I currently am; which, where I am resides people I talk to, but I don't hang out with.

They're all people I'd consider "friends", but more just people to talk to than anything.

Plus, it's so hard now in school to weasel into a friend group. Especially in a small school.

So I feel like I'm trapped in the position I am currently in.

I obsess over men I want partially because of my OCD, and partially because I don't hangout.

When you have no friends outside of your family that you spend time with or have an actual bond with, you start to rely on love-

Especially when your best friendship you ever had was with your one and only boyfriend...

However, considering the way I worry about crushes and how I let it ruin friendships, I'd be better off not dating at all right now.


It's safe to say that at this moment, I need to make good friends.


To do this, however, I need to do the following

1) Gain self confidence (AKA don't give a shit about consequences/what others think of me)

  • To gain self confidence, I have to remind myself that I'm worth it.
  • I'm not below any of these other people. I'm on equal ground with them.
  • They don't think I'm below them either- I'm the only one thinking that way.
  • If I talk to them, they'll probably like me. Refer to J.D. in chem.
  • I need to weigh out my strengths and weaknesses.
  • By doing that^, I need to focus on my strengths and become proud of them.
  • I need to stop thinking about the consequences
  • Do what I want, in reason.
  • It's okay to mess up, stumble on my words, appear awkward... it happens.
  • If people don't like me, they can get over it. It's not my problem, it's their's.
  • Walk around knowing I'm a good person with good intentions, and that I'm not perfect.

2) Talk to more people

  • I can do this before gaining self confidence, or while doing both.
  • First, say hi to those I know slightly but want to get to know better.
  • Say hi in the hallways here or there to these people.
  • Make conversation with them when I can (or when it seems like a good time).
  • Get to know these people more by talking to them more and saying hi, appearing more approachable.
  • Be friendly to everyone- even if awkward, joke around.
  • Things may get awkward- it's okay. At least I tried. Eventually it won't be awkward.
  • Also, reach out to those I want to get closer to/I want to be friends with again (Like A.B.)

3) Become more approachable by doing so

  • Self explanatory: by doing the above, I'll appear more outgoing and friendly.
  • People will talk to me/come to me more.

4) Make friends in school

  • Gradually become more friendly/friends with the people I say hi to.
  • Be friends with "everyone"
  • Hopefully find a group that I fit into and like
  • Find excuses to be around them all the time (groups in school, lunch, classes, etc.)
  • Bond over things.

5) Gather the balls to ask those friends to hang out

  • Once close with these people, ask them to hang out.
  • The worst that'll happen is them saying "no"
  • If they get annoyed at me asking, who cares? Their loss.
  • And then I'll know I shouldn't waste my time on them.
  • Ask even if I'm afraid to.
  • Make sure I know the person a decent bit, though.
  • If this works and we hang, make sure to stay close with the person/people and hang out with them periodically.

6) Focus on the bonds of the friendships

  • Let love come gradually- don't care about it
  • Focus on friendships more than possible relationships
  • Let the friendships bloom


No comments:

Post a Comment