YES, I am alive!

Huzzah! I have risen from the dead. Yes, I am back everyone! The flowers you bought for my funeral can be thrown away now.

....

Just kidding, of course. Sorry for the inactivity. I won't give an excuse- the honest truth is that I forgot about this site. And... I'm extremely lazy. Every time I thought about making a post, I was like, "nah..."

But here I am. Back on it.



What's changed, you may ask? A lot is a good place to start. Well, play rehearsals have been taking up most of my free time. And I play a really minor part. It's cool to see all the talent the others hold, but honestly, the lack of time to myself is keeping me stressed.

I don't get much time to work on homework and, more importantly, relax.

As usual, anxiety has it's grip tightened around my throat. I try to battle it, but it's so hard to... So I let it control me. I find it hard to talk to others, because I never know what to say, topics to bring up, etc.

But, I have  been making more friends and stuff. So that's cool.

How are you guys?

Restless Love

All my life, I've been searching for the other puzzle piece
For someone else to help complete me.

Deep down, I feel like I can't do this on my own.
With my own demons haunting me periodically,

How am I to numb the worry without the rush of temporary
Love?

I dappled in my first taste about two years ago, ever since,
I've been craving for that requited feeling like a druggie

Sniffs down the location to his short term satisfaction.
Insecure and unsure, yeah, that's me and I won't deny it.

The result is almost always devastating, breaking down
Relationships.

Yet I still ache for that fleeting moment of joy, whether it be
One hour or two years, I feel like it's all I really need.

The leaves turn different shades and so does my affection,
Switching to yet another boy who's caught my anxious eye.

I'm constantly hoping to cling upon the hope of having someone
Accept me.

I do know, in the core of my soul, that only I can accept myself,
However, it takes so much strength and willpower to do so!

How am I supposed to love myself when I make so many mistakes,
When my mind points them out like grammatical errors.

So I just pull the covers over my head, close my eyes, and
Dream of, yet another, Restless Love.

You Can't Leave You

Insecurity, anxiety,
Described in two words;
Yeah, that's me.

For a flower to bloom,
It needs both two things;
Water and sunshine.

I'm already watered down,
Where's the sunshine been?
Perhaps I haven't been looking

For it? Because my words are
Still mangled in my throat,
Itchy and weary and fading

Ever so slightly, over time they
Are eroding. Will I ever raise those
Words, into the stale, plain air?

So many things to say, left unspoken,
Too worried of the many outcomes,
Unknown and scary, like a villian from

A children's scary story, the boogie man
Outside with a mask on, unreadable,
Unsure of what will happen, unknowing.

Like glass, hopefully one day it will break,
Shatter into hundreds of pieces, each one
Reflecting the color of the other equator's

Rainbow. Because heaven knows I need
To put more effort into loving myself,
And I need to embrace my flaws, insecurities.

Can't wait for someone else to,
You are your only hero, every other one
Leaves, but you can't leave you.

Embarassingly Jealous

Whenever I crush hard on someone, I get jealous real easy. I'm not lying or dramatizing that in the slightest.

They're talking to another girl friendly, a girl they're close to? I get extremely jealous.

I don't get angry at the girl- I get upset that they're not talking to me, that they're closer to them.

He likes other girls photos on Instagram, but not mine? I get jealous.

It's the weirdest thing. I wish I could not be so jealous, but I can't help it. Well, maybe I can, but I don't know how.

So right now, I'm just venting.

And I know this isn't rational. He's not mine- he can talk to whoever he wants to, whenever. But it still makes me upset that he's not talking to me.

I guess, deep down, this is just my insecurity speaking? Maybe I don't think I'm good enough for him, not worthy of his attention like the other girls?

When I see him talking to other girls I shut down- don't speak to him. I feel like I shouldn't butt in or I'll look desperate/thirsty (lol).

I mean I've never been cheated on before.. So I have no excuse, really.

And I never tell them I'm jealous- I mean, that'd make me look weird (like how I am). I kinda just give them the silent treatment, or back off a bit.

Its almost like I feel like I'm doing them a favor, because I'm not as worthy as the other girl is.

And, by writing this all down, it's obvious; it's my insecurity.

random poem

Used to wallow in my misery, lack of confidence,
Always would throw the towel in, let them win,
I would get knocked down to the ground, and allow it.
Now I stand up from there, knees bloodied and scraped,
Arising with a small grin on my face.

Love for life is growing, blooming from the stems of
My heart. It all depends on how you view life,
See it as a bad thing, and you feel it is horrible-
Look at is as if it were precious, and every memory
Is made to feel that way.

And I still hold hope in my heart to find more people
Worthy of my time- perhaps I have, and I haven't realized
That they are yet. But now I worry less about that, I need to
Focus on myself more, not friendships that will not last long.
Pursue my dreams, become who I want to be.

I always had a sense of humor- now I use it at my worst moments.
Better to laugh at the face of death than to fall to your knees and pray,
I suppose. I'd rather make light of dreary situation than feel more entwined,
Confined by the cutting ropes of thoughts unable to decipher. Better to count
The petals on the rose than to let the prickles make you bleed.

A strong urge to help others, I pursue this feeling. I wish to be an
Inspiration to others. I know that's a far away thought- I have lots of
Flaws, but I'm working on them, accepting them, letting them show.
I want to be a light to other people, someone they can reach out to.
I want the better part of me to shine through, rather than the shy,
Unapproachable version of me.

Yes, there is a loud part of me- it's in my caliber. I have a loud, booming laugh,
A twisted sense of humor to match. The flow of music calms me to sleep,
Or inspires me to keep going. A stroke of a paint brush, the sip of rich tea,
It's all a part of me. I want the real me to reach out and touch others, regardless
Of if they like it or not.

I guess, deep down, I just want people to know who I really am.
I'm not that dead silent girl in the back of the classroom. I'm full of personality.
I love to laugh, I love to love, I love to live. I worry far more than I should,
I say things I really shouldn't. But that's all a part of me. And you're allowed
To dislike that.

Change of Heart and Mind

Okay, so this is really weird. The boy I was basically foaming over the mouth for a few days, yeah- I'm basically over.

I guess I just had a reality check- the fact is, he probably cannot date. And, he is also probably not right for me. He's a sweet heart, but hard to get close to.

To explain that more, he's very superficial. Like that friend you have that you cannot penetrate the walls of, you just talk about general things like school and the weather.

It's almost like he's business like. And he's so sweet but, hey, I like someone that loosens up easier.

And I shouldn't judge- maybe he's anxious, too. Maybe he doesn't like opening up to others.

But is that my problem? No. I'll be friends with him, but keep it that way. Nothing further than that.

Just friends.

Actually, you know that other boy my brother's friends with- the one I'm going to do a duet with? Well, I think he would be a better match (not that I'm going to date him).

He's kind of... Er, sexual. He's at that age. But he's much more chill, loose, at ease. Not so superficial.

So I really like that guy I was talking about before. I know, my crushes are fleeting. But this boy is such a rarity- a complete sweetheart. And good looking, like, holy crap.

And... well, religion. Probably won't be able to date him ever. But I need to focus on friendships, not relationships.

I mean, they say relationships last less longer than friendships do. I know that, I've experienced it; losing both a friendship and a relationship at the same time.

If something happens, let it happen. If it doesn't, that's cool.

I also need to just, chill... Calm down, tell myself not to worry, say what I want, and just chill.

Anyway. I auditioned for a play. Apparently, I'm decent at acting. Weird, never would've known. However, we have to meet 2 hours a day, almost every day of the school week.

D:

This Dance

I know I should go slow,
Craft our budding alliance,
To the ways of happiness you shall show,
But my heart is on defiance.

And yes, I understand I'm in
Lust, not love, it's a mixture
Of admiration and adoration,
For you, whom I barely know.

Yet, I still crave your company,
Romantically, a nervous misfit,
A hopeful optimist, are you just
Too good for me? Probably.

Probably so, but I'll start slow.
I mean, I'm enraptured by you,
But we need time for this to grow,
And you gotta get to know me, too.

So nice, too kind, perhaps, in the eyes
Of others. But there's no deceit inside
Of you, instead, just a kind gentle soul,
Made by the stroke of God's paintbrush.

And I wish I could be that perfect,
So perfectly crafted, someone everyone loves,
Makes me anxious you might never like me back,
Which I say is okay, but I still hurts me.

You're my motivator, everyone's, maybe,
You help me believe in myself, take a chance,
Perhaps I've just been looking for you to save me?
I hope one day, you'll take this dance.

School Days, School Days...

School has been going surprisingly... Well. I've been talking to a lot of new people, been being more friendly, etc. And, for the most part, my classes are going good.

Disregarding Geometry, of course.

I've been writing, reading and singing a lot. Eventually, I'm going for voice lessons at a place in my town. I'd remind my mom, but they're pretty expensive.

Also, my mom wants to pay for me to make a studio recording... Which I like the thought of, but I don't want her spending that much money. After doing a bit of research, my brother's (hot) friend told me the place he goes to (which is "legit") is about $800... Yikes!

So I'd feel so guilty about her spending all that money on me. And I also feel like I should work on my singing a bit more before going into a studio. It'd be almost embarrassing.

Additionally, I've become closer to another boy my brother is (kind of) friendly with. He's actually pretty popular, but for much different reasons than most (like money, dick personality, etc.)

This is because he is a complete sweetheart. Nobody has anything bad to say about him. He's just so kind, gentlemanly, respectful, funny, etc. Not to mention, he's extremely gifted in music and is incredibly smart.

He's, like, the perfect guy for me. Probably too perfect for me. And he's actually good looking, too.

Only problem is that everyone is all over him- respectably so. I don't know if I could ever date someone that loved haha.

But I'm not going to think about that aspect a lot. 1. Because I'm a bit younger, 2. I'm much more shy than he is (he's really outgoing), 3. I'm unpopular (not that he would care probably, but others would), and 4. He's probably not interested.

If he follows his religion strictly, he probably wouldn't be able to date my anyway... So yeah. Just friends for now. But holy crap, going to prom with him would be like heaven.

We're not like friends, but kind of friends. I want to get closer, but I'm a bit intimidated by his popularity..

-Bean

Gnc

At the bottom of my heart lyes my real self,
Only me, no bias, no imitations. A girl who
Isn't afraid to be herself, unwilling to bite her tongue.

Yet its subdued, hiding in the hallways,
Its dug down deeper and deeper until
Its barely noticeable. I whip the mask
Right back on and stay hushed, as always.

Too nervous to speak, anxious not to speak.
Yeah, maybe my brain's been wired the wrong way
Because sometimes it feels like everything's fuzed together,
Other days, they just can't seem to work together.

All I know is, I've gotten tired of resisting what I think,
Keeping the words stuck in my throat, tempted to come out.
I'm like a butterfly still stuck in its cocoon,
Wings fluttering, but too afraid to come out.

First Day of School!

So I went back to school, and had a decent day, but you know, I always stress over all the bad parts. I talked to a lot of people, said hi to a lot (even my ex!), gave a high five to my brother's cute friend that I absolutely love... So, over all, it was positive.

But today was just... One of those days, you know? Where I just broke down from the stress. I had to hold back from crying. Silly, I know. But I just worry over such trivial stuff, like what I said to so and so, what I seemed like to others, the popular kids...

The word popular has always been bitter in my mouth, but has only gotten more sour this past month. And today it just really hurt. It sucks when you feel like you can't speak to them.

I've calmed down now, but yeah. I guess I forgot how stressful school can really be :/.

O is for Obsessive

O is for obsessive, always grabbing a hold of me,
Like I've been lifted up by the neck, by a clammy, rough hand.
I can't escape, nor can I breathe, because the thoughts just
Won't escape from me.

C is for compulsive, can't help what I do.
No matter how hard I try, the thoughts cycle back,
Like a rewinding video tape, back and forth,
A TV remote with no pause button.

D is for disorder, yet it doesn't define me.
I say it doesn't shape who I am, but it sure
Alters my mood, souring it with a sprinkle of
Panic and anxiety.

Its all normal, fine and dandy, the weather's
Forecast says no chance of rain.
The sun is gleaming, everyone's beaming
Even the flowers follow the wind's rhythm for me.

And then all of a sudden, the sky swirls ash gray,
Smoky clouds circling above me.
The first trickle of rainwater slides down my face,
And just like that, its back again.

Counting the Days

I haven't posted in, like, forever... Which is approximately five days, lol.

Anyhow, as you can assume from the title school is starting soon for me, on this Thursday. Yuck. The thought of it really makes me wanna vomit. Well, not actually- I'm being a bit dramatic, but yeah, not so excited.

I just really don't want to have to say hi to so many people. It sounds overwhelming to me. However, I've decided I'm going to be different this year. I'll say hi to who I want, when I want, say anything I want to also... Basically, I'm going to (try to) not care about what others think.

Actually, cross off the try to in parenthesis. I have to, because if I don't I'll always be lonely, with no good friends. I'll always feel like an outcast, like I'm a weirdo. I have to learn not to care what others think about me.

But yeah, it's kind of taxing just thinking about it. I'm still going to do it, even if I don't want to, but I worry deep down that I may give up or not go through with it. But then I have to throw those thoughts away, because you know, if I worry I'll probably do worse than I would not being anxious about it.

And the thought of being there for almost 7 hours and having to do work, having not much time makes me wanna curl into a ball and cry.

On the bright side, though, I'm kind of excited to make new friends, and especially get closer to my brother's cute friend. He's in a singing group with me. In fact, he asked if I'm going to join again this year, and after I said yeah, he told me "I better". Wonder what that means... :D (yeah, I kind of love him. No judging!)

Also, like the geek I am, I'm excited to see my new classes and buy supplies and stuff.. And clothing shopping, of course. I actually got this really cute Kimono from Sears that I will wear the hell out of.

Maybe this school year will be better.. Well, I'm sure it will, since I'm going to not care as much.

How are you guys doinnn?

-Bean

Knowing what he doesn't

Isn't it so weird to know something so well, that your father is absolutely oblivious to?

Like, for example, the fact that she wants and is eventually planning a divorce. Going to get a job to save money for it. Thinking about apartments.

It makes me feel miles away from him. Like I'm acting. Like I don't wanna talk to him, believe he's okay. Its sad. I listen to what he says, but not wholeheartedly.

Maybe she has poisoned me from him? I mean, he is far from a good father, but I can't get close to him. I feel like it wouldn't be... Right. Knowing the things I know. How he treated mom. What mom is going to do now or in three years. Most of all, knowing he is a selfish father.

And knowing if it comes down to it, I'm going with mom.

I'm feeling so confused right now..

-Bean

Giving up

I'm so, so beyond tired of the area I live in. Everyone is a joke. It's so frustrating. There's no such thing as a "real friend" in this town. Almost everyone is stuck up, popular and degrading, and if they aren't they're usually bat shit insane. It's extremely tiring, searching for a good friend in this area...

Every time I've made a good friend, they always hurt me. Always screw me over, dump me and move onto the next. It's made me not wanna get close to others again, but in the same breath, I'm so lonely that I am always craving a good friendship. To have someone recognize my existence and, holy crap, care about me.

I mean, I have a great family. They all care about me. But in school, I'm looked at as "weird". As an "outsider". And considering being tight with a girl here is basically suicide. Almost all of them back stab you, when you don't even expect it. Like that boy and you tell her? Bang! She goes after him, of all boys.

I guess I'm just, I don't know... Upset, and tired of all this?? I'm really, really tired of others acting like they don't see me. I'm not horrible looking, nor am I creepy- I just don't talk too much! Is that really that scary? Or is it just because I'm not rich, or try hard, or I just don't like all the things you do?

I feel like I'll never fit in. That they all will think I'm too strange. But my mom said, you have two ways of reacting to this- you get angry at them, or down on yourself. And she said I should rather be angry at them, and realize that I am a good person and worthy of a human being's respect and attention... And to just think that they're the weird ones.

Just another story

I ache and I claw the air for you,
Nails out, scratching my blotchy skin,
Hoping each mark counts the days until
You'll come back.

The soda tastes sweet, yet its artificial,
And it fizzes, although it went flat long ago
The taste once vibrant, dies on my tongue.
Just another story to tell.

Idiocy

He walks like he's beautiful,
But his face reckons the opposite.
His voice booms through the hallways,
But its all slurred, pointless to listen to

Brags about himself like he's the best,
But works like he's the worst,
Loves his parents like they are angels,
Yet them and their offspring are devils.

Treating me like I'm transparent,
Yet I exist, and I bask in the light.
Get in a fight, buy me a soda, but
It never fixed anything, did it?

Walking on Eggshells

My mother and father don't get along well. He's always so negative, and judgmental towards everyone, especially towards my mother. They're not in love anymore. I've accepted that, but staying in the house for too long drives us all crazy.

Some days he barely even speaks. Whether it's his job, pain, the house not being spotless, my mother, he won't say. But almost every day does he have a stick stuck up there. And it's so uncomfortable. It's gotten to the point where we feel so awkward, my mother and I just leave the house for the whole night. He gets pissed about that.

I don't know, it's just... When we're around him, it's like walking on eggshells. Can't be who we are, say what we want, and we have to listen to his constant negativity. Absolutely annoying. If I were over 18, I'd be gung-ho for the idea of them divorcing. New town, new house, new start. And my mother's sanity would be far better.

However, I'd have to spend weekends with him most likely. Not only am I awkward around him, but he doesn't know how to handle my OCD. And, not to mention, he's the type that will put me in the middle..

Ugh. Tired of this. Time to go out.

-Bean

TMI Award!

So, my friend The Starry Eyed Dreamer nominated me (thank you :D!!) for this little award called, the "TMI Award". Basically, you gotta answer a whole bunch of questions that are a bit... personal. Which I guess I don't mind completely haha! However, I will still do this. I will nominate five other people to answer these questions below :).

Enjoy!


Q1) What are you wearing?

I am wearing an orange tie-dye t-shirt and Hello Kitty pajama bottoms, which are super comfy, might I add. No shoes or socks, because I hate wearing them! 
  
Q2) Ever been in love?

Err... Honestly, not really sure. I had a relationship of six months, which I guess is a long time. But I don't know if I was in love.I had a major crush on the kid, but there were a lot of problems between our families, and we just didn't mesh completely well. I think I loved him, but wasn't in love, if that makes sense at all.
  
Q3) Ever had a terrible breakup?

Yep. Only one, thank God, and I've only ever dated once. I almost feel like it's not worth it at this age. It'll teach you a lesson, which is a good thing, but it'll never last. Anyway, that breakup kind of ruined me a bit. He was basically my only true friend, and once again, the friendship had to go and dissipate. Took me a while, but I'm mainly over him now.
  
Q4) How tall are you?

I think I just reached 5'3! :) 
 
Q5) How much do you weigh?

Shhh, it's a secret. Just kidding. I'm around 120 pounds or so, maybe a bit more, maybe less. It's all up to your imagination!
  
Q6) Any tattoos?

Nah!

Q7) Any earrings?

Yep. Just one on each ear, that's it. Nothing crazy.

Q8) OTP?

I don't do that anymore. Miss it, but it's for the best.
 
Q9) Favorite shows?

None, really. Don't watch much TV. I used to heavily be into Smosh. Don't know why I mentioned that, but yeah. And Anthony from Smosh is pretty hawt.
 
Q10) Favorite bands?

As of now, just the Arctic Monkeys. Gosh do I love them. 
 
Q11) Something you miss?

I miss a lot of things. Occasionally, my ex. Anime here and there, of course. I miss having a good friendship lol. And I miss school a bit, even though I dread going back, too.
 
Q12) Favorite song?

I have a lot, not just one. Too many to mention. 

Q13) When is your birthday?

25th of February.
 
Q14)Zodiac sign?

Pisces! I'm a fishy :).

Q15) Quality you look for in a partner? 

Intelligent, caring, kind-hearted, good sense of humor (dry humor kills me), maybe even a love of video games, I dunno. And, weirdly enough, I love a guy that smells good and dresses nice. Not posh or dressed to the nines, but casual yet not slobby. Plaid shirts will make you my bae. Even though I hate using the word "bae".

Q16) Favorite quote?

I have many. 

"Life is like riding a bicycle; to keep your balance, you must keep moving," My bro Einstein.

"Life is a circle, you're only halfway through."

"Everyday is a good day to live, whether the sun is shining or not." Marty Robbins. 
 
Q17) Favorite actor?

That guy from Divergent, since he's good looking. I also love Tom Hanks, don't know why. 

Q18) Favorite color?

A deep red or deep purple. 

Q19) Loud musics or soft?

Loud when I'm working out. Soft when I'm tired, upset or yeah, just sleepy.

Q20) Where do you go when you're sad?

Out with my mom, usually to the mall or something.

Q21) How long does it take you to shower?

Around 25-35 minutes. I take a long time.

Q22) How long does is take you to get ready in the morning?

Around 20 minutes, 30 or 40 if I actually put effort in.
 
Q23) Ever been in a physical fight?

With my sibling, yeah. With anyone else, nope.
 
Q24) Turn on?

Warm, beautiful eyes. Nice, big smile that spreads all over the face, shows in his eyes, etc. Soft/wavy-ish hair. A really good sense of humor and confidence. A guy that can sing or write, or loves video games. Dresses nice, smells good, acknowledges my existence.

25) Turn off?

A guy who's sexist, racist, or prejudice. Judging, dresses like a slob, is rude to everyone. Wants you just for sex (thankfully I haven't experienced that yet).
 
Q26) The reason you joined Blogger?

I wanted to make some friends and get some advice, meanwhile post some reviews and stuff. Wanted an online blog/diary basically :).

Q27) Fears?

Minus my silly OCD, I'm scared of heights, talking to people I don't know well, rejection, being made fun of, being judged, etc. 

Q28) The last thing that made you cry?

Umm, my mom showed me some horrible story about a couple murdered in 2007 and saw the father of the daughter talking about it. Yeah, sucks.

Q29) Last time you said you loved someone?

Probably last night to my mom :).

Q30) Meaning behind your Blogger name?

I'm just talking about what's inside me, showing it to everyone. I don't mean my intestines by the way, talking about my thoughts. So, I'm Reflecting my Internal self. Nifty, huh? I'm corny.

Q31) Last book you read? 

Delirium by whomever. It's my school book, and it's actually pretty good!
 
Q32) The book you're currently reading?

^^

Q33) The last show you watched?

Don't remember.
 
Q34) The person you talked to?

My brother. 
 
Q35) The relationship between you and the last person you texted?

My mother.
 
Q36) Favorite food?

Oh my god, too many. Vegetable lasagna, chocolate, pizza, Jesus I love food.
 
Q37) Place you want to visit?

Germany, perhaps? Definitely Hawaii. And Maine.

Q38) Last place you were?

In bed.
 
Q39) Do you have a crush?

I have a crush on everyone, dude. Well, I mean every cute boy that walks my way. But, mainly the guy I just posted about.

Q40) Last time you kissed someone?

My mom last night.
 
Q41) Last time you were insulted?

Umm.. Don't remember.

Q42) Favorite flavor of sweet?

WHY DO I FIND THIS SO HARD TO ANSWER.
 
 Q43) What instruments do you play?

...None :(.
 
Q44) Favorite piece of jewelry?

Bracelet.
 
Q45) Last sport you played?

Volleyball. 

Q46) Last song you sang?

Royals maybe?
 
Q47) Favorite chat up?

Talking about school. It's all I talk about lol.

Q48) Have you ever used it?

Yesh,
  
Q49) Last time you hung out with anyone?

Last night, I guess.
 
Q50) Who should answer these questions next?

Hmm... Let me pick some people!

I don't know who to pick, actually. If you wanna do it, go ahead!!!

Thanks Mom

So, my brother has been friends for a long, long time with this absolutely adorable and, dare I say, hot boy. Like, he is so sweet and really good looking. He's just... mmf.

My mom full well knows of my crush on this boy. Well, here's the catch; we both sing. Of course, like the little hottie he is, he also plays guitar. Just another reason for him to steal and claim my heart, huh?

Well, my mother asked him if we could do a duet someday, saying it'd make her day. Being the easy-going boy he is, he said yes. And now I'm like, "what am I gonna say to him???". I mean, I have anxiety just talking to people, but to the kid I've had a crush on for months that I'll probably never score? Errr, yeah. I better not screw up and make things awkward!

Only thing is this- we'll probably never, ever have a chance of being romantic until we're both out of school. Why? This is because I'm probably more like a little sister than him to anything. I'm his friend's little sister, so he probably feels protective of me. And damn, now I'm kind of wishing my brother and him weren't so close.

I guess I'm glad my mom asked him for us to do a duet. But in the same breath, I'm kind of cursing her out because I have noooo idea how I'm going to even talk to this kid. I mean, I ask him how he's doing and I say hi to him in the hallways, but my God.

He's one of those where it's hard to talk to him because he's so freaking good looking!

Anyway, let me finish my mini panic attack by asking how you guys are. Whats up? :)

-Bean

List for tomorrow

-Feed and bathe tortoise
-Litterbox lol
-School book
-Clean up a bit
-Voice lesson rehearsing

Farewell, Summer!

Summer's approaching it's end.. I've got around two weeks before school starts. This year I'm going to be a Sophomore... yay :)! My schedule seems pretty good. I've got some good teachers. Math and science is going to be easier this year, and I've taken classes such as creative writing, acting, etc. Even one that involves video game development, which I took before and actually found kind of fun (more boring than I expected, though).

OMG, duckyyy!

I recently got a camera and took some really good pictures. It was only around $230 and has fantastic clarity and zoom! I'm kind of in love. If you're curious, the model is Nikon Coolpix L830. I'll post some of my pictures taken with it on the side.

Random half naked teen boys braving the murky waters.

The night before the super moon.

Although I haven't hung out with people too much this summer, it's been pretty fun. Mainly consisting of going to the mall or walking around places with my mom. I hope we go to the beach again, since I didn't really go in the water last time. The waves were kind of crazy and I've gained a new respect for the ocean.

As for school... I'm actually kind of excited. I mean, I usually do get excited, but this year the dread isn't outweighing it too much. I can't wait to wear cute clothes, maybe even some makeup, and most of all talk to others I haven't before. I'm pumped to become more social/outgoing and not care what others think, maybe even make new friends, too!

According to the palm reading (which was surprisingly accurate) I got at the beach, I'll find out my two true friends in December. Which is kind of awesome, since December isn't that far away.

Over all, this summer has been far better than last year's. I mean, yeah, there has been some crappy moments, but the good has outweighed the bad. I quit volleyball, mainly because of the drama that comes with it, and I'm honestly very glad I did so. I've had much more time to be lazy this summer, and do the things I want to do.

I also just got my first two voice lessons ever, and holy crap, is it complex. I always thought singing was simple... There's so much I need to work on and remember. I'm already sounding even better, but yeah, lots I gotta change. The lady I went to was very nice. My mother won two free voice lessons at a dinner thingy, buying raffle tickets and the such. She was a bit far away, but really cool and great at explaining things to me.

I'm also a bit of a geek because I can't wait to get supplies for school and pack up my new Jansport backpack! I've never had a Jansport before, and they're actually really good for organization. God knows I need that, since I'm extremely disorganized... Haha.

Two weeks left... Better make them count!

How is your summer going?

-Bean

I don't care (song)

There once was a time I included you in everything,
And your parents sure said they didn't do the same for me,
But even when it was over I still thought of you day by day,
Hoping you'd come back to me.

Soon I realized the bitter truth: you never would.
You were the one who severed our connection so coldly,
No empathy, not even one look passing by.
But this set me free, it set me free from you
From all the lies

You taught me so many lessons, to not rush into love,
What not to look for in men, so much more
And maybe those chains of yours still choke me a bit, but
I mainly don't care about you, after how you treated me

(Rap)Yeah, its a new me, one who doesn't allow herself
To get stepped upon. One who shows her bravery
In the eyes of many lions. And you may flaunt your
Other woman, but she's a downgrade, which is
Perfect for you. Ha! Yeah obviously I still hold
Some resentment towards you, but its np shocker
After what happened. Might have been almost two years
Ago, but you made me fall. Now watch as I stand
Taller than ever in front of you, and watch me flourish
In so many other ways. (Rap)

There once was a time I included you in everything,
And your parents sure said they didn't do the same for me,
But even when it was over I still thought of you day by day,
Hoping you'd come back to me.

Soon I realized the bitter truth: you never would.
You were the one who severed our connection so coldly,
No empathy, not even one look passing by.
But this set me free, it set me free from you
From all the lies

You showed me so many things, but those things
Are merely in the past. And I'm over it.
I'm moving on, embracing myself more than ever,
Will you accept the new me? Well, rightly, I don't care.

Stuff I need to remember

-Buy a hat
-Buy a backpack (Jansport)
-Maxi dress
-Good Vibes T-shirt
-Organized for school
-Make singing videos
-Writing

Material

I feel like I've been really materialistic lately. Like its the only thing that males me happy. That or the computer. Maybe I'm just being dramatic but I don't know

Hollister Clearance!

So I guess sometimes my OCD does work in my favor, because I have a clothes fetish, but I (or my mother) NEVER pay full price.

Buuuuttt... Hollister is having a big clearance, and online, there's also a 25 % discount code too! So here's some of the clothes I want to buy. Hopefully the clearance is in store too.

Bay Street Dress Perfect for the beach or just for hangin with friends
Girls Old Town Dress It's really cute in white, but even better in color! Of course, I want the coral, but I have so much coral it's ridiculous.
Girls Crescent Bay Dress I'm a big fan of the blue on this dress, and it's really elegant yet simple. Might not fit my figure good, but I might just buy it anyway.
Girls La Mesa Dress Absolutely perfect as a cover up. Really cute and covers the shoulders.
Girls Trestles Beach Maxi I love maxi dresses and I don't have one. However, many are open back. This isn't really, so yeah, score!
Girls Woodson Mountain Dress Another cute maxi dress.
Girls Boneyard Beach Cami So I'm not really big on crop tops, and I don't own one, because I just don't like showing that much of my skin. However, this would be soooo cute covering up a bikini top! And maybe I could buy a white cami to put on underneath... Hmmm
Girls Brooks Beach Cami It's see through, so that's a bit of a no-no, but for the beach? Totally!
Girls Summerland Cami This is just.. Ugh, so freakin' cute.
Girls Marina Park Kimono I love the "Kimono" style now, and I've been dying to own one!
Girls Hollister Shorts Not too short, yet not too long. Perfect
Girls Royal Palms Beach Cardigan This cardigan is absolutely adorable.
Another Cute Cardigan Adorbsss (lol)
Girls El Pescador Babydoll Top Okay, this shirt is one of my favorites. It's drapey at the end, so it hides the stomach, yet enhances the bust. Also, it's just really, really adorable.
Girls Boomer Beach Drapey Perfect as a cover up.
Girls San Pedro Bay Drapey Hoodie Simple yet sweet and cute. I need this
Girls La Jolla Shores Dress This is also really simple yet super cute, although a bit baggy.
Really Cute Maxi So so so cute
A bit preppy Yet casual and adorable.
May show my belly But if it doesn't, this would be so cute.
Low Rise Shorts Love the design on the bottom.