Misread

So I hung out with this boy from work, and a girl from work as well.

I think I totally misread him as a person (J).

I thought J was needy and very negative, but I don't think so.

I think his anxiety just really stresses him out, but he seems to have a lot of fun out with me and was dying laughing a few times. So I don't think he's miserable at all.

I think he just felt he could talk to me.

He seems into me. Offered to pay for my food. Seems different alone than me than with me and the girl around.

I think I made too many vulgar jokes and talked about too many hot guys, but whatever.

I'll make it more obvious I'm into him i guess.

Numb

After reading books about friendship and seeing others be so close to others, romantic and numb, it makes me feel... Numb.

Well, not numb. More like sad. Envious. Incompetent.

I feel like I'll never have those relationships.

Because when I talk to others, I always fuck up and say the wrong things.

Because I never want friends, I always want relationships (unless thats my OCD speaking).

And maybe, mainly because I've never maintained, or had, a healthy friendship.

I feel too awkward asking others to hang out.

I asked two friends from work to go out on Halloween, but my anxiety is telling me they'll bag out.

That they don't wanna go.

Well, especially the boy. I mean, he seemed receptive to the idea, but he said he doesn't even hang out with others.

And the whole his-old-job-at-mcdonalds-was-racist-against-whites thing is kind of interesting. Bullshit? Maybe. But this line was most intriguing from him.

"I don't fight back."

Interesting. Perhaps he's a peace maker, like mom and my brother, or perhaps he just has low self esteem and can't stand up for himself?

He did say that he barely speaks at school, that he doesn't like speaking, that he's painfully shy...

Anyways, I'm going completely off topic.

I know this is like a "pity me" post. And I apologize for it.

However, its just how I feel sometimes...

I feel like I can't bond with others...

That I'm a loser who has no friends (the has no friends part is kind of true..)

I've been workin, I've been workin

So I've been working a lot recently, and I've been talking to this boy Joe that works there too.

He's really sweet and is pretty cute, although a bit skinny but hey, I'll take niceness over super sexy.

Anyhow, we joke around a lot. He seems very nice, and very friendly.

Well, today, I told him one girl that also works there is throwing a Halloween party, and that he should come.

He immediately said no- he doesn't like parties, and laughed a bit. I told him that it's not alcoholic, I'm not into that either and he was like ohh noo not that either, just parties in general.

Turns out, he has social anxiety. Like me, hw barely talks to anyone at school, is really shy, hates presenting, only has a few friends, doesn't hang out too often...

Sounds exactly like me.

The people at his school are apparently jerks, just like mine. He doesn't really like talking to people.

I said, oh, well you talk to me.

And he said yeah, he doesn't mind talking to pass the time.

I was like oh, ouch.

And he said he didn't mean it that way.

I also asked if I annoy him, and he said no no no! So I don't know.

Sounds like he's either antisocial or just really shy, but he's pretty talkative to me..

Unless I initiate most of the convo and I barely realize it.

Anyhow, I don't know. I just wanted to write about this

I like him, but my OCD is going a bit haywire over it... Like worrying if he's antisocial or doesn't want to talk to me or not.

Friends, Work, and School-work

How are you all doing?

I just came back from hanging out with two of my friends from work!

It's nice to say that work has given me (more of) a social life, haha.

But seriously, though. The people where I work are great. I love them all!

The only thing I really dislike about my job is balancing schoolwork and work.

There's not enough time in one day to work 3 hours and 45 minutes, eat, take a shower, and finish homework by 10:30 P.M.

Add transportation to that list and it makes things even more complicated.

But I'm not going to complain. I think work is a really healthy and positive thing for me :).

So I've come up with a good idea of what I'm going to do later in life...

I'm thinking of teaching English/Literature!

I've always had a passion for words, books, interpreting/analyzing books and texts...

And I'd love to make an impact on (some) children!

So I think it'd be a great job to have. Not to mention, the salary isn't too bad either!

I'd write more, but I'm pretty exhausted!

Good night guys!

So I'm off work for two days in a row and, I gotta say, it feels glorious.

Especially because I have the next day off from school, so I don't have to balance homework and wor that day :)!

However, that means no break the rest of the week.

But I like most of the people where I work, so I don't mind too much. (well, except for this stalker kid who I thought was half-normal but is now obsessed with me)

I've been pretty happy today. I go through my swings of happy days, anxious days, depressed-over-nothing days, etc.

It's honestly pretty peculiar. I'm hoping it's a hormone issue, although that should be correcting itself now..

I think it could just be me letting my OCD get the best of me. And some days I'm not strong enough to just shake it off (no T-Swift pun intended).

Additionally, I've resigned to the idea that guys really aren't all that. They shouldn't be what makes me happy.

Now, this is easier said than done, of course. But I'm only just starting this thinking process, so practice makes perfect!

I just have to remove myself from the situation. If I like a boy, keep busy. Think of other things. Don't take our interactions so serious.

It's just, in the end, something that makes me feel good (no, not talking about that- get your mind outta the gutter!)

I'm also on the hunt to make some new friends from work and, gasp, hang out with them!

I still feel awkward at school. Like I'm out of place. But I've gotten a little better talking to people there, so, hey.

Another thing I'm working is my low self esteem. I've been spending more time getting pretty in the morning, because I find that helps me, as silly as it sounds.

I need to stick to that idea more. I've been slacking on it. Like always, I attack myself whenever I feel I've done something wrong, or may appear stupid.

I need to get over that shit. Like really.

Well, sorry for the rambling. I just felt like I should post more, and I'm gonna start with this entry!

How are all of you?

Did school start for you guys?

:)

Secure

Have you ever felt insecure in yourself, or thought negative of yourself?

Actually, never mind. That's probably a stupid question... All of us have been insecure at one point, considering that we are/have been teenagers.

Getting to the point, though, I'm quite the insecure teen. And I want to come up with some ways to change that.

1. Keep a positive outset. Don't tell yourself that you look horrible, because chances are, you're seeing yourself much more harshly than others are.

2. Despite what you're silly mind is telling you, remind yourself that you are/look beautiful.

3. If someone makes you feel stupid, keep in mind that they most likely are trying to bring you down because they feel bad about themselves. Basically, its a reflection of their poor personality.

4. Say what you want- this is so important to me, and many. We often worry too much when it comes to saying hi to a new face, displaying an opinion, etc. Say how you feel, say what you want. In the end, if someone doesn't like what you say, its no biggie. Eventually, they'd have to see that side of your personality even if you didn't say how you felt. As for saying hi to new people, if they snub you, who cares? You're the better person for trying. And hey, you may make some new friends by being so friendly!

5. Don't spend so much time trying to look perfect. If your hairs frizzy, don't try to straighten it perfectly for an hour. If someone can't stand that you don't look as perfect as a Victoria's Secret model, they deserve to be out of your life.

6. Stop being so modest. I'm not saying to be conceited. If someone compliments you, don't say "Oh, I'm not!" That makes you seem as if you have no confidence. Instead, say something like, "Aww, thank you!" Or "You are too!!". This shows you are secure in yourself, enough to the point where you accept that you are what they told you, and you don't need to flaunt it.

7. Fake it til you make it! Even if you look in the mirror and you still think you look terrible, or you dislike the one side to you, tell yourself that you love it. Walk around knowing that you're an awesome person, who is beautiful inside and out. Push away the demons in your head, and remind yourself of your amazing qualities.

I hope this post helps you guys! If you have any other ideas or techniques, post them below! Have a beautiful day 😊

Summertime!!!

Hellooo!

How are all of you?

I'm on summer vacation, have been for a little bit, and it's been pretty fun!

I've gone to the local mall quite a bit, went walking, to the gym...

Overall, it's been great so far.

My goals for this summer are as listed:

• Make new friends
• (Does anyone know any websites to meet people on? I'm 16, so things like meetup are technically illegal)
• I was thinking maybe Tumblr, but I want to meet people in the flesh.
• I was also considering volunteering, or joining a book club.
• Work out and get more fit
• Look sexy in that bikini!!
• Play guitar some more and master basic chords
• Sing some more, cover a few songs
• Eat more healthy
• Read some more books
• Write more (poetry or novels, character development)
• Work on makeup when I'm bored?
• Buy a romper!
• Sport some cute clothes!
• Take pictures with my camera
• Get a bit of a tan!
• Find more music to get into
• Learn how to saute
• Go bike riding with someone (my brother or mom?)
• Buy a pair of vans/converse
• Hopefully go to Rhode Island!
• Try new hairstyles
• Get a job! (I've applied, now I just gotta wait..)
• Write a book review

Any other ideas you guys have?

And what are your plans for this summer? (If it's summer where you are!)

Have an awesome day guys, and tell me how you've all been doing!

Someone

I always wanted to be
Someone else, something else.
Forever aiming for perfect,
I'd miss the shot and be devastated.

Nothing I did was good enough,
Compared to the rest of humanity.
Tired, I'd lay down and collapse,
Finally tiring my mind.

Then, something grew inside of me;
Branches upon branches,
Leaves upon leaves, somehow
Someone else, something else,
Just wouldn't ever be me.

Old Friends, Books and More!

Hey all! How have you guys been doing?

I'm actually doing quite well. I had my sixteenth birthday a bit ago (February), and got an acoustic guitar for it! I should be playing it more... But its honestly a really fun instrument to play. Interesting and relaxing!

I also need to get on track with writing more. I love doing it, but it stresses me out so much that I blow it off :/. But I gotta push through that!

Other interesting things... Hmm. Well I hung out with an old friend of mine that I haven't spoken to in a while, because I admitted I liked him 2 years back and I got really awkward haha.

He's honestly a really good guy, though. I have to remind myself not to like him too much again, because I don't wanna screw up the friendship again. Besides, he's only in it for the chase (loves getting the girl, then gets bored and pursues another).

I should probably contact him more, but I get too awkward. Gah!

Over all, though, I've spoken to a lot of different people recently- ones I don't speak to much. Some popular people, some nice unpopular people, a whole mix... And I'm proud of myself for not getting too awkward and carrying on a conversation! 😊

Schools almost at its end too... I'm out sometime in June. If any of you are in school, when do you get out?

Oh! One last thing! I just read a book called "Its Kind of a Funny Story" and you need to read it if you love books! Very interesting, and the humor was actually pretty good as well!

Have a good day guys!! 💜💜

Steps to gaining confidence

I always want a boyfriend because I've never really loved myself, so it fills the void.

That's what I think is the reason, anyhow.

So, basically, to change my ways of being boy-obsessed and self conscious is to... DING DING DING! Gain confidence!

What a shocker! But I've been way too lazy to do this important thing, so I may as well hop on it right now.

So here's what I need to do to become more confident (not all at once- do them gradually)

• Further my passions (guitar, singing, reading, writing, etc.)
• Look in the mirror and ignore my flaws- actually, see them as beautiful, since they make me unique and they make me, me. Tell myself I'm beautiful, inside and out. (Corny, but important)
• Jump out of my comfort zone! AKA, talk to those I get too nervous to talk to, ask others to hang out, etc. Do a little bit of something like that each day, and maybe my social anxiety will not be so bad!
• Ignore my anxious/negative thoughts- Worried about something? Change the topic. I can worry forever, but that won't change a thing- I need to make the change. Think something will end up not so good? Stay positive! Maybe it'll end up in my favor. If not, I'll work through it, just like I always do.
• Stop putting myself down- I do it a lot, subconsciously or not, joking or serious. From the simplest things to, "Oh yeah, I'm too lazy to do that," to "I can't talk to them, I'm beneath them and unworthy of speaking to them,". Regardless of the type of thought, if I'm putting myself down, I need to stop that thinking process right away (think of a train stopping suddenly) and redirect my thoughts to positive reinforcement. It can be things like, "I'm not too lazy, I just need to put in the effort," or "I'm the only one who sees myself as beneath everyone else. So why do I do this? Let me take a step back, understand why, and then laugh at it and tell myself I deserve the same treatment as everyone else."
• Talk to more people- And be very nice to them! Be very friendly and accepting, and try to make more friends. The more people like me, the more I'll feel more confident. And I'll be making some good friends, too! Additionally, I shouldn't feel anxious to ask them to hang out. If they get awkward, oh well, leave them be and move onto someone else more willing.
• Focus on friends rather than boys I like- Yeah, boys are cute; that's obvious. But at this age, they're more a handful than anything, and romantically, they never stick around long. I should focus on maintaining good friendships with people rather than zeroing in on something that won't last long and will most likely hurt me. An additional note; I should focus more on the friendships with the boys I like, since they may end up being a far better friend than a temporary boyfriend!
• Get in shape- Now, this step especially sucks, because it requires healthy eating; which I don't exactly love. But I'll most likely gain more confidence if I feel comfortable in my body. However, I should love my body regardless of the way it looks. 
• Fall in love with myself- Zero in on my positive aspects. What makes me a good, likable person? Why do others like me? Of course, this doesn't mean I should ignore things I should improve upon- however, I should not fret over them.
• Do good deeds- Another corny one. This can be as simple as complimenting someone, to doing community service. I love the natural high I get from doing good deeds!
• Treat myself well- Stressed out, or just want to do something fun? Take a warm bath and read a book. Listen to my favorite music, take a nap, dance, sing, eat good food (not in excess, of course). Whatever makes me happy, I should do!

Well, that's basically it. I need to follow the guidelines above that I just wrote. After I become more confident, I should then work on my weaknesses to better myself as a person. I also have to remind myself that this won't happen overnight.

Changing My Ways

Sorry that I haven't written in a while. Life's been quite busy...

But right now I'm in a bit of a sour mood- although, it is opening my eyes to things I've been letting gather dust for quite a while now.

I've always felt awkward. More than awkward, really.

I've always felt below everyone else. Not worthy of being spoken to, or acknowledged.

Not "cool" enough.

Now I know deep down that I am a decent person.

I know, somewhere, that I'm attractive and I'm also a good person who's interesting, kind and funny.

But once I'm thrown into this sort of Hell called "school", my mouth immediately shuts tightly.

I somehow don't know how to speak to anyone.

I feel like everyone is judging me. And I can't say hi to others I don't know well, because they'll think I'm weird/annoying/desperate.

So I stay in my anxiety-filled comfort zone and stay quiet, not speaking to many people.

While I think this makes me appear less annoying, it actually makes me appear much more awkward and... Odd.

People without anxiety (or, shall I say, those who only experience the normal amounts of it) don't understand anxiety.

They take it personally, and probably think I don't want to speak to them.

Meanwhile, I do want to speak to many people- I just feel like I can't.

Like I'm stuck where I currently am; which, where I am resides people I talk to, but I don't hang out with.

They're all people I'd consider "friends", but more just people to talk to than anything.

Plus, it's so hard now in school to weasel into a friend group. Especially in a small school.

So I feel like I'm trapped in the position I am currently in.

I obsess over men I want partially because of my OCD, and partially because I don't hangout.

When you have no friends outside of your family that you spend time with or have an actual bond with, you start to rely on love-

Especially when your best friendship you ever had was with your one and only boyfriend...

However, considering the way I worry about crushes and how I let it ruin friendships, I'd be better off not dating at all right now.


It's safe to say that at this moment, I need to make good friends.


To do this, however, I need to do the following

1) Gain self confidence (AKA don't give a shit about consequences/what others think of me)

• To gain self confidence, I have to remind myself that I'm worth it.
• I'm not below any of these other people. I'm on equal ground with them.
• They don't think I'm below them either- I'm the only one thinking that way.
• If I talk to them, they'll probably like me. Refer to J.D. in chem.
• I need to weigh out my strengths and weaknesses.
• By doing that^, I need to focus on my strengths and become proud of them.
• I need to stop thinking about the consequences
• Do what I want, in reason.
• It's okay to mess up, stumble on my words, appear awkward... it happens.
• If people don't like me, they can get over it. It's not my problem, it's their's.
• Walk around knowing I'm a good person with good intentions, and that I'm not perfect.

2) Talk to more people

• I can do this before gaining self confidence, or while doing both.
• First, say hi to those I know slightly but want to get to know better.
• Say hi in the hallways here or there to these people.
• Make conversation with them when I can (or when it seems like a good time).
• Get to know these people more by talking to them more and saying hi, appearing more approachable.
• Be friendly to everyone- even if awkward, joke around.
• Things may get awkward- it's okay. At least I tried. Eventually it won't be awkward.
• Also, reach out to those I want to get closer to/I want to be friends with again (Like A.B.)

3) Become more approachable by doing so

• Self explanatory: by doing the above, I'll appear more outgoing and friendly.
• People will talk to me/come to me more.

4) Make friends in school

• Gradually become more friendly/friends with the people I say hi to.
• Be friends with "everyone"
• Hopefully find a group that I fit into and like
• Find excuses to be around them all the time (groups in school, lunch, classes, etc.)
• Bond over things.

5) Gather the balls to ask those friends to hang out

• Once close with these people, ask them to hang out.
• The worst that'll happen is them saying "no"
• If they get annoyed at me asking, who cares? Their loss.
• And then I'll know I shouldn't waste my time on them.
• Ask even if I'm afraid to.
• Make sure I know the person a decent bit, though.
• If this works and we hang, make sure to stay close with the person/people and hang out with them periodically.

6) Focus on the bonds of the friendships

• Let love come gradually- don't care about it
• Focus on friendships more than possible relationships
• Let the friendships bloom